


Wheeljack's Sticky Predicament

by espioc



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Pregnancy, Dramedy, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Mechpreg, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Parenting, Relationship Fixing, Sex Toys, Sticky Sexual Interfacing, Swearing, a drop of angst, bad sex life, clueless ironhide, clueless wheeljack, frequent mention of masturbation, mention of a private video that was put on the internet without the owner's knowledge, starscream practicing self-care and self-love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espioc/pseuds/espioc
Summary: Wheeljack and Ironhide have been dating for a little while now, and are finding their sex and romantic life falling a little flat. Starscream is here to help, but it might be hopeless. Add a lot of self-love and an unexpected sparkling to the mix, and you've got a sticky predicament.(I don't know how to describe this fic)
Relationships: Ironhide/Wheeljack, Starscream & Wheeljack
Comments: 12
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Please enjoy this fic that came to me when I was half asleep. It's supposed to be funny, and slightly OOC. Strangely enough, I don't even ship Wheeljack/Ironhide, but I loved this idea, so I ran with it. Not sure how often I'll update it, I'm writing this one for fun, enjoy!

“Fuck, yer tight,” Ironhide grunted. “You feelin’ alright?”

Wheeljack’s finials blinked. “Huh? Oh. Yeah, yeah,” he spread his legs a little wider. “Just-uh-” he cringed against the tight fit of the spike in his valve. “Keep goin’, I’ll loosen up.”

“Yer tense,” Ironhide hiked Wheeljack's thigh up against his hip and pushed in. “Sure yer okay?”

Wheeljack let out a long breath. “Let’s take a break.”

Ironhide pulled out. “Alright.” He laid down on his side. “We don’t gotta do anything tonight.”

“It’s fine. I just need a minute to get outta my own head.”

“Alright, tell me when yer ready.”

Ironhide laid his arm over Wheeljack’s chest and closed his eyes. Wheeljack’s hand wandered to his chest, his finger running back and forth over the vague seam. Ironhide snuggled into his side, resting his forehead on Wheeljack’s shoulder.

Thoughts bombarded Wheeljack. Not the kind that did anything to turn him on. He thought about their date earlier that evening, the make-out session that followed, and then laying there, in that berth, the end result of a failed coupling.

“I think I might go home,” Wheeljack muttered. “I’m not really in the mood.”

Ironhide whined. “Alright,” he grumbled. “If you think so.” He sat up on his arms. “I’ll see ya next week?”

Wheeljack shifted off the bed, closing his panel. “Yeah.”

“I can take you out again.”

Wheeljack stood up and turned around. “Why don’t you come by the house? Star’s got work at night.”

“I’ll stop by tomorrow?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Wheeljack left it at that. Ironhide did not leave the berth to walk him out.

Wheeljack leaped into the street and took off towards home. When he got there almost all the lights were off. Starscream sat in the kitchen nursing a cube. When Wheeljack walked through the door, Starscream furrowed his brow.

“You’re home.”

Wheeljack didn’t say anything.

“I thought you’d be with Ironhide all night.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Hm,” Starscream took a sip of his energon. “Did you take the pill today?”

“Oh, frag,” Wheeljack swore, digging into his subspace. “I forgot.”

Starscream stood up and came around the island. “Not to be nosy, but I think Ironhide is the last mech you want to have a sparkling with, just saying.”

Wheeljack rolled his eyes. He popped the pill in his mouth, took the cube out of Starscream’s hand, and swallowed in one swig. “You goin’ to work?” He asked, handing back the empty cube.

“Yeah, I’m leaving in a few minutes.” Starscream wandered back to the energon dispenser and made himself another cube. He drank half of it and handed the rest to Wheeljack. “Need anything before I go?”

“Did you clean up your mess.”

“Aw,” Starscream reached his hand forward. He paused before the mask. “Take off your mask for a second.” The mask slipped back, he pinched Wheeljack’s cheek and shook. “You’re so cute when you’re being funny.” He let go. “No, absolutely I did not.” He flicked a hand over his shoulder as he walked away. “I’ll do it when I get home.”

“Starscream,” Wheeljack groaned.

“I didn’t think you’d be home tonight. Sheesh. I’ll do it when I get home.” He put one hand on his spark and held up the other. “I promise.”

“Your promises mean nothing to me.”

“Have fun masturbating byyye.” Starscream slipped out the door and took off on the stoop.

Wheeljack’s shoulders slumped. The night was still young, and he was far from in the mood to service himself. Not tired, not horny, he made his way to his and Starscream’s shared washroom that Starscream absolutely was not going to clean up after his last “experiment,” with the bathtub.

As Wheeljack got the cleaning supplies from the corner cupboard, he imagined what would actually happen in the morning. Starscream would come stumbling through the door, hardly awake enough to stand. He’d take his pills, go to his room, and fall face first on the berth, dead asleep and not moving until late afternoon. And when he woke up, he would find the mess in the washroom, go, ‘or right, this,’ then turn off the light, close the door, and walk away.

Wheeljack sighed, scrubbing the blue soap off the side of the tub. Starscream, with no interest in a love life, and a lot of interest in treating himself, had started exploring different ways to service himself a long time ago. His latest idea had been getting a blue fizzy bath bomb and going at it with himself. Afterwards, he gave Wheeljack the verdict. The sensation worked wonders on the inside thighs and an open valve, but he found it difficult to summon an overload. The fizziness did not oversensitive him, but instead distracted from the usual sensation.

Though nothing special, this experiment did leave a blue ring in the bathtub, and soap scum all around the inside. Which Starscream promised he’d clean, but never did. Not that Wheeljack used the bath very often, but there had been occasions where Ironhide wanted to interface in the shower or tub, and, since they’d be spending the night there, Wheeljack preferred to do the do in a clean space.

When the blue ring was gone enough, and the tub back to its pristine smooth self, Wheeljack moved on to his bedroom. He took the sheets and blankets off his bed and the cases off the pillows and threw it all out the door. He crossed the hallway to Starscream’s room, where he dodged piles of datapads and other junk, to take the trimmings off his berth as well. While pulling off the blankets he found a pink dildo tangle in the sheets. He rolled it off the bed as he took the sheet off and left it for Starscream to take care of.

In the basement, Wheeljack put all of the organic material in the washer. He checked his chrono, it wasn’t too late. Not so early that he couldn’t go to bed, but he wasn’t quite tired yet. He groaned, rubbing the back of his head. Part of him wished he had stayed at Ironhide’s, even just to sleep. Even if they didn’t try to interface again, at least he wouldn’t be alone.

Wheeljack sighed, turning out the basement light at the top of the stairs. He went to his room and tried to do some work at his desk. The Spire hadn’t given him anything exciting to do in a long time. Almost everything that could be made and fixed had been made and fixed in the 1,000 years since the end of the war.

Which left Wheeljack with basic infrastructural projects. His area of expertise had been invention, not research. Not that he didn’t try his hand at research, but he found getting grants was difficult, even from the people who he already worked for. So he was left with a basic ‘keep the city from falling over’ job, which paid extremely well, but wasn't anything exciting.

Occasionally Wheeljack still privately designed his own weapons and other things. Sometimes he’d mix it up a little. He’d even designed a new dildo for Starscream, (which was Starscream’s favorite, and while Wheeljack would never admit that he took pride in that, he took pride in that.)

After a few failed attempts to get work done, Wheeljack gave up and settled for watching a movie on the couch. When the laundry was done he put his sheets back on his bed and threw Starscream’s clean sheets onto his bed in a crumpled pile.

Wheeljack laid down on his still-warm sheets and was asleep in a few seconds.

* * *

Wheeljack woke up to a turn in his tank, the sun was barely piercing the closed curtains. He sat up, put a hand on his belly, and tried to concentrate. What kind of sick was this? Throw up sick? Hungry sick? Slept funny sick-

Wheeljack raced to the washroom. Throw up sick, definitely throw up sick. He barely made it to the waste disposal before he threw up last night's energon.

“Ew,” Starscream said, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.

Wheeljack looked up. He furrowed his brow. “You’re awake,” he vented.

Starscream spit into the sink. “Did you drink last night?” He leaned close to the mirror and inspected his eyes. “You know how you get when you drink.”

Wheeljack shook his head. “No. I didn’t drink last night.”

Starscream frowned, still staring at himself. “Really? Where did Ironhide take you that you didn’t drink?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “I dunno, some forgettable place.”

“Hm.”

Starscream turned back around. “Do my eyes look grey?” He pointed at his face. “Around the edges.”

Wheeljack squinted at him. “Uh, yeah. A little.”

Starscream rinsed his brush and smacked it against the sink. “Well fuck me,” he muttered.

“Can’t,” Wheeljack panted, his spark pumping hard in his chest.

Starscream cocked his head. “You’re not looking too hot.”

“I feel really weird.” Wheeljack struggled to get to his feet, his knees trembling when he managed to get upright. Starscrem strode forward and provided something Wheeljack could grab onto.

“Come on, I’ll help you back to bed.” Starscream said.

Wheeljack groaned, taking a few steps forward. By the time they reached the bedroom, Wheeljack could walk fine on his own. He laid down and got under the blanket.

“I’ll go buy some medicine,” Starscream said. “Do you think it was something you ate?”

Wheeljack nodded. “Yeah, could be. But don’t worry about it, you should go to bed.”

Starscream flapped his hand. “I’m fine, I’ll probably just pass out on the couch later.”

Wheeljack closed his eyes and let Starscream alone.

The next time Wheeljack opened his eyes, his tanks felt fine, but his spark still felt funny. He walked out into the livingroom and found Starscream dead asleep on the couch, one hand gripping a bottle of antacid. Wheeljack wandered into his kitchen to make himself a cube. The phone in his subspace vibrated.

_We still on for tonight?_

Wheeljack texted back. _Yeah, we’re still on._

_Great, I’ll see ya tonight. Hopefully all of you ;)_

Wheeljack didn’t send anything back. He tucked the phone away and made himself a cube. As soon as he took a sip, something smacked him in the side of his head.

“I got yer medicine,” Starscream slurred, barely lifting his head off the couch. He fell right back to sleep.

Wheeljack rubbed the side of his head. The antacid had bounced all the way to the otherside of the island, and landed on the floor. Wheeljack sighed, walking all the way around the counter and snatching the bottle off the floor.

The phone vibrated in his subspace.

_What time should I come over tonight?_

_Anytime after 9_

_That when Starscream go to work?_

_Should be._

Wheeljack finished up his cube and returned to the washroom. He took a long shower, washing every inch of himself, including his private parts. Rubbing himself did not turn him on, but it did make him think of the night before. How tense he had been, where his thoughts were, verses where they should have been.

Wheeljack finished washing up. When he stepped into the hallway he heard a ruckus coming from Starcsream’s room. Starscream was tucking datapads back on the shelf, cleaning off the vanity, throwing away garbage, tucking the stray junk in junk boxes under the bed.

Wheeljack leaned on the doorframe. “What are you doing.”

Starscream paused. “It’s Me Night.”

“You work tonight.”

Starscream grabbed a stray piece of garbage from under the vanity. “No it’s not,” he stood up straight and grabbed the broom from the corner. “It’s Me Night.”

“No, Me Night is tomorrow.”

Starscream gathered the minimal dust to the middle of the room and sweeped it into the trash. “No it’s not.”

Wheeljack’s finials blinked. “What?”

Starscream took the medium sized mirror out of the closet and set it up at the end of the bed. “Is something wrong?”

“I was gonna have Ironhide over tonight, you were supposed to be at work.”

“Oh,” Starscream flapped his hand. “You know I don’t mind.”

“I know you don’t, but I do. Can’t you postpone Me Night?”

Starscream frowned, shaking his head. “No, I can not postpone Me Night.”

“You masturbate literally every day.”

Starscream furrowed his brow. “Wheeljack, how long have we lived together? You know that Me Night is about more than masturbating. Sure, that’s part of it, but that’s not all of it.”

Wheeljack frowned. “But I was looking forward to my night with Ironhide.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t care if you two interface while I’m here.”

“Again, it’s not you or him, it’s me. I don’t feel comfortable with it. Plus I like havin’ the whole house to ourselves.”

Starscream frowned, his arms slumping with his wings. “Is it really that important to you?”

Wheeljack nodded. “Yes, it is. I dunno what’s been wrong with me lately, but we haven’t interfaced in almost three weeks.”

“So?”

“Listen, I know you don’t date, or interface with anyone but yerself, but a lot of people find it important in a relationship.”

Starscream shrugged, pulling apart the mess of sheets on the bed. “Have you tried mixing it up-” His wings went rigid. “Wheeljack!” He whipped around, wagging a purple vibrator in his fist. “You put one of my vibrators through the wash again!”

“Wha- I checked this time!”

Starscream whined, staring at the ruined thing in his hand. “I really liked this one. Maybe it still works.” He clicked it on but nothing happened. “You owe me a new vibrator.”

“You have 79.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Fine, I’ll order you a new one today.”

“Thank you,” Starscream took a step forward. He rolled his eyes as he spoke. “And I guess I can postpone Me Night until next week, so you can have your private time with Ironhide.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” Wheeljack tapped his fingers against his thigh. “Ya know what? How about this,” he stepped into the room. “How about tonight, I set you up in a nice hotel suite, whataya say?”

Starscream cocked a brow. “Why don’t you do that for yourself?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “I’m more comfortable interfacing in a familiar place.”

“But Wheeljack,” Starscream stepped forward and placed his hands on Wheeljack’s shoulders. “Your relationship has hit a dry spell, now is the perfect time to mix it up.”

Wheeljack took a step back. “It’s just me. I’m stressed, it’ll pass.”

“That’s the point. This is an environment that reminds you that you are stressed, this is where you work. If you moved your private time to a nice, clean, new hotel suite, then you have the freedom to feel at ease.”

Wheeljack shifted from pede to pede. “Maybe some other time. I’ll just try this first. Do you want me to set you up?”

Starscream smiled. “Yes, I would appreciate that a lot. Thank you.”

“I’ll book the room right now.”

“I’ll go pack.”

Wheeljack pulled his phone out of his subspace and looked up the nicest hotel in the city. The nicest room was available for the night, Wheeljack booked it under Starscream’s name. Once the hotel was booked, Wheeljack went searching for Starscream in the closet.

This condo was new, as of 600 years ago, meaning it was fitted with at least one walk in closet. As culture developed, so did the Cybertronians' tendency to wear organic cloth. Mostly in the form of capes, cloaks, wing decorations, the occasional body wrap, and for more adventurous people, lingerie.

Starscream’s closet was well organized shelves of sex toys, lube, pillows, a few select sets of lingerie, and five different sized mirrors.

Starscream picked two sets of lingerie off the rack and held them up for Wheeljack to look at. “Which one?”

“The black one.”

“You’re right.”

“Hotel is all set.”

“Thank you,” Starscream packed away a few of his favorite toys, a small mirror, his favorite soap, the lingerie, his toothbrush, toothpaste, and a few other fun things. He put his small suitcase by the door. “Maybe I’ll take myself on a date tonight. Since I'll be out anyways. Send me the address for the hotel.”

“Done.”

“And Wheeljack,” Starscream turned around. “Try not to overthink tonight. And if you don’t want to have sex, then don’t. It’s not wrong.”

Wheeljack retracted his mask to show his smile. “I know, I know. Now go on. Have fun with yerself.”

“Oh, believe me, I will.”

Starscream left. Wheeljack was alone.

With the extra time, Wheeljack cleaned up the house. While cleaning, he received a text from Starscream.

_Feel free to use any of my lubes_

Wheeljack returned to his cleaning. Their living space was normally clean, but Wheeljack was trying to take a page out of Starscream’s book. Which meant setting the mood. Which meant putting himself into a clean, stress-free, comfortable environment. All work datapads went into the desk drawers, laptop away, bed made, clean sheets.

When he was done, Wheeljack texted Ironhide.

You can come over earlier if you want

While he waited, Wheeljack looked through Starscream’s extensive selection of lube. Some were better for spikes, others for exterior nodes, interior nodes, valves, sensitive spots on the plating like wings and turbines. Wheeljack picked one that was supposed to intensify the sensation for both partners, whether they were both using the same piece of equipment, or different.

Wheeljack put the lube on his bedside table. He checked the time, took his pill, and sat down on the couch waiting for Ironhide to arrive.

Ironhide arrived an hour earlier than originally planned, a nice bottle of engex in his fist. As soon as he walked through the door he wrapped an arm around Wheeljack’s waist and gave his mask a kiss.

“You look good,” Ironhide said.

“I look the same.”

Ironhide chuckled, moving into the kitchen. He took two glasses out of the cupboard and poured them some engex. Wheejack sat down on a stool and accepted his glass.

“So, where’s Scr- Starscream tonight?” Ironhide asked.

“Oh, I set him up in a nice spot. I thought he worked tonight, but apparently not.”

“You set him up in a hotel?”

“Yup. Said he was gonna take himself on a date.”

Ironhide scoffed.

Wheeljack furrowed his brow, retracting his mask. “What?”

“Nothin’. I just don’t think I’ll get over Starscream’s whole- thing. He’s got goin’.”

Wheeljack put his glass down. “What thing?”

Ironhide shrugged. “I dunno. His thing. You live with him, you know what I’m talkin’ about.”

Wheeljack shrugged. “I dunno, I think it’s nice. He’s always in a good mood, has a lot of self confidence, takes his meds, sees his therapist, I don’t see anything wrong with a little self love. Certainly ain’t hurting him.” Wheeljack felt something squeeze his spark. A longing. A thousand years ago he’d never wish to be like Starscream. Now? Wheeljack prayed for an ounce of that type of comfort.

Ironhide came around the table, downing his glass of engex. “I’m not here to talk about Starscream.” His knuckle nipped the bottom of Wheeljack’s chin. “I’m here for you.”

Wheeljack smirked. “You want me?”

Ironhide nodded, leaning in. Wheeljack let him kiss him, he tried to clear his mind. Concentrate on the sensation, wait for the heat to pool above his array. There wasn’t anything but a trickle.

Wheeljack deepened the kiss. Ironhide smiled. “Maybe I’ll fuck ya right there on that couch, how’s that sound?”

“Uncomfortable.”

Ironhide laughed, pulling back. “We should move this show to the bedroom, wouldn’t ya say?”

Wheeljack swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

Wheeljack let himself be led to the bedroom, laid down, climbed over. Ironhide kissed his lips, his neck, up his jaw, his hands barely wandering beyond Wheeljack’s waist.

“So I was thinkin’,” Wheeljack said, squirming under the minimal touch. “Maybe we could mix it up tonight.”

Ironhide pulled back. “Like how?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “I dunno,” he grabbed the lube from beside the bed. “I was thinkin’ we could use this,” he put the lube down and started rubbing circled into Ironhide’s windshield. “Maybe you could use yer mouth. Or I could spike you. Or- I dunno. Something different?” Wheeljack tried for a weak smile.

Ironhide cocked his head. After a moment he smiled. “Don’t like the way I’m lovin’ on ya?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “Not necessarily that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, yer spike is great. But we’ve been dating for nine months and I’m startin’ ta get a little-” he grimaced. “Bored?”

Ironhide’s smile dropped. “Oh,” he pursed his lips. “Yeah. Okay,” he nodded. “We can mix it up.”

“Really?”

“A’course. What fun is interface is only one’a ya is havin’ fun?”

They tried to mix it up. Ironhide almost successfully ate out Wheeljack’s valve, but the mouth movements were a bit too erratic to chase an overload. Wheeljack found a bit more pleasure in his spike, dipping it into Ironhide’s eager valve. But the more Wheeljack watched himself thrust in and out, the more he wanted that pressure and penetration for himself. Which was fine, because right after being spiked, Ironhide flipped them over and took Wheeljack’s waiting valve from behind.

While he was being fucked, Wheeljack was thinking. One thing that they missed was foreplay. Ironhide liked to jump right in, almost no talk, very little fingering. The lube made everything feel good, sure, in the netherregions, but Wheeljack wanted to feel that passion in his spark, up his back strut, in the tips of his fingers.

With Ironhide it was just an in-and-out deal.

Wheeljack’s mind suddenly wandered to Starscream, how he found pleasure so easily. In part because he knew his body well enough by now. That thought led Wheeljack to a different one.

“We should masturbate,” he muttered into the pillow.

Ironhide paused in his thrusts, leaning over. “What was that?”

“We should masturbate. In front of each other.”

Ironhide cocked a brow. “I didn’t take you as the kinky sort.”

“I’m just tryin’a think of ways to mix it up.”

Ironhide leaned up and started thrusting again. Wheeljack bowed his head into the berth and tried to concentrate on the sensation.

His mind had other plans.

Ironhide was...fine.

He liked sex. He wasn’t very romantic, but that had never been a big problem. He took Wheeljack on dates, held his hand in public, but rarely said sweet things besides. “You look good,” and other variations of that same phrase. The only romantic-like thing he ever gave Wheeljack was high-grade. Even then, it was mostly to loosen them up before sex.

Wheeljack would not consider himself a romantic.

But it did feel nice to be treated every once in a while. Given a tender kiss, not because it would lead to sex, but because his partner wanted to give him a tender kiss. Use the bed for cuddling every once in a while because cuddling was great, and it didn’t have to lead to sex.

Ironhide moaned into an overload. Wheeljack wiggled beneath him, mood dead. He hadn’t overloaded, and had doubts that he would. Ironhide kept moving anyways, trying to coerce one.

Wheeljack moaned into the pillow, squeezing his legs together. That seemed like enough. Ironhide pulled out and laid down. He opened his arms. Wheeljack laid down against his chest and let the big warm arms wrap around him.

They fell asleep without another word shared.

* * *

Wheeljack woke up in a cold berth, an indent still laying beside him. Before he could have another thought, his tank churned and he found himself running to the washroom for the second morning in a row.

He groaned into the waste disposal. After a few minutes of being limp, he found his legs, and shuffled to the sink to wash out his mouth. He sighed, staring at the drain. He swayed on his feet, grabbing hold of the edge of the sink to keep himself upright. He spit, wiped his mouth, and found his footing.

Looking in the mirror, he took a deep vent. He knew for sure that nothing he had eaten the night before would screw with his tanks. He’d had that high-grade, but it wasn’t anything special, just plain old engex, and he hadn’t even finished a single glass.

Wheeljack gripped his tanks and walked out of the washroom. He found Ironhide in the kitchen, gulping down a cube, two empty cubes sitting by his fist on the counter. As soon as he was finished he slammed the cube down with the rest of them and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Good morning,” Wheeljack said, stepping further into the room.

Ironhide smiled, slipping off the stool. “Mornin’,” he wrapped both arms around Wheeljack and pulled them together. “I didn’t wanna wake you.”

“Are you goin’ ta work?”

Ironhide sighed, the smile sticking on his face. “Yeah,” he grumbled, staring at Wheeljack with half glazed over eyes. Ironhide leaned down and gave Wheeljack’s exposed lips a long kiss before taking a step back. “I gotta get goin’.”

“Okay,” Wheeljack said, mostly to himself. “I’ll see ya later, I guess.”

Ironhide left without another word. As soon as he was gone, Wheeljack’s shoulders slumped. He sighed, shuffling across the livingroom to the couch. He plopped down, turned on the vid-screen, and watched nothing until almost noon, when Starscrem returned home.

Starscream came through the door with a light smile on his face, suitcase in hand. “Good morning,” he chirped, crossing the room. “You look like shit.”

Wheeljack grumbled a response. Starscream went to his bedroom, but returned only moments later, a towel and three dildos in hand. “Everything alright?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Wheeljack drawled.

Starscream hummed, taking the large pot out of the top corner cupboard. “That wasn’t a very convincing ‘yeah.’” He filled the pot with water, put it on the stovetop and turned on the heat. “How’d it go last night?”

Wheeljack humphed.

Starscream frowned, putting his free hand on his hip. “That bad, ey?”

Wheeljack sighed, sitting forward and climbing to his feet. “Starscream, tell me somethin’.”

Starscream dropped his dildos in the boiling water and turned around to face Wheeljack. “Tell you what?”

Wheeljack sat down on one of the stools. “How is it that your sex life is better than mine?”

Starscream flicked his hand. “Oh, that’s easy. I don’t have to worry about feelings.”

“But there are people, even if they don’t like eachother very much, who have amazing, mind-blowing interface. Why can’t I have that?”

Starscream made a ‘tsk’ sound. “It’s called passion. And whether it’s in a good or bad direction, the outcome is the same. Or so I’ve heard.” He set the stove timer for two minutes. “Have you tried communicating?”

Wheeljack’s feet shuffled against the stool bar. He stared at a random spot on the counter. “I mean, yeah. Sorta,” he shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

Starscream arched a brow. “Complicated? What’s so complicated with the words, ‘this is not making me feel good. Let’s try something else.’”

“We did try something else.”

“But did you really?”

Wheeljack frowned. “No, I guess not,” he muttered.

“Good, then we’ve identified one issue. What else?”

“Ya know what?” Wheeljack stood up and walked around the counter. “It isn’t even about the sex, okay? It’s about me wanting to feel loved. I want to go on nice dates, and spend time together, and I dunno, have nice things said to me. Is that so much to ask?”

“No.”

“No! At least I don’t think so. Spendin’ time, is that so hard?”

“Is it?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then tell him that,” Starscream rolled his eyes, pressing the timer button right before it went off. “How is he supposed to know these things if you don’t tell him.”

“But-”

“Listen Wheeljack, my sex life is good because I know what I want, when I want it, and I know how to do it to myself. There’s no guessing. Don’t make him guess.”

Wheeljack’s shoulders slumped. “Okay, but romantic gestures in a relationship should be a given, shouldn’t they?”

“Not necessarily.”

Wheeljack threw his head back and groaned.

“Hear me out,” Starscream said. “The way people experience romance is different. Some people find going to the shooting range together a romantic evening. Going flying. Going walking. Being lavished in gifts. Romance is relative.”

“Is it? I don’t think that’s true.”

“No?” Starscream shrugged. “We can agree to disagree.” He fished his dildos out of the warm water and placed them on the waiting towel.

Wheeljack frowned. He returned to his stool and sat down. “Well, anyways,” he muttered. “How was your night?”

Starscream smiled, sitting on the stool opposite his roommate. “My night was wonderful. I took myself to a restaurant I’ve been wanting to try, which was good, I’ll send you the name. The room was great, so thank you for that. I took a bubble bath, and guess what.”

“The tub had jets-”

“The tub had jets,” Starscream’s wings fluttered behind him. “Then I put on my lingerie, admired myself for a long time. There was a lot of foreplay, I had an amazing time.”

Wheeljack smiled. “Well, I’m happy to hear that.”

Starscream stood up and reclaimed his dildos from the counter. “I’m gonna go put these away. Thundercracker invited me to lunch, do you want to come?”

Wheeljack shrugged, following Starscream into the bedroom. “Sure. Where ya goin’?”

“A cafe downtown.” He put the toys away and gathered the rest that were still spilled on the bed. “I’m going to wash these, then we can go.”

Wheeljack waited in the living room. Too restless to sit, he paced around the coffee table until it was time to leave. Starscream took them to a nice little cafe in the heart of Iacon, where Thundercracker was already waiting outside.

The afternoon went smoothly, conversation flowed naturally, and Starscream had a mid-afternoon drink, which put him in good spirits before bed.

Wheeljack didn’t mention his relationship troubles, and frankly, almost forgot about them during the meal. The food wasn’t anything special. Human looking food made for Cybertronians, a new trend as of 900 years ago. One that had caught on very quickly after spending lifetimes drinking the same old slag.

Wheeljack quite enjoyed it. But when his food came before him, and the smell hit his olfactory, his tanks churned. He cringed, putting a hand over his mouth. He closed his mask and turned away.

“Wheeljack?” Starscream asked. “Are you all right?”

Wheeljack shook his head, pushing the plate away. “Ya know, I was sick this morning.”

“Again?”

“I’m not feelin’ too hot.”

Starscream narrowed his eyes. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Don’t eat then. We can wrap it up, I’ll eat it tomorrow.”

As the meal finished up, Starscream started to rush, wanting to get Wheeljack home to bed. Instead of flying, though, he began to walk down the street, Wheeljack in tow.

“Where are we going?” Wheeljack asked.

Starscream stopped outside of a corner store and told Wheeljack to stay put while he went inside. Starscream emerged a few minutes later with nothing. They went the rest of the way home in their alt-modes.

As soon as they stepped through the door Starscream whipped out a carrying test and tried to hand it to Wheeljack.

“Take it,” Starscream demanded.

Wheeljack eyed the test, putting his hands up and taking a step back. “No. No way. I am diligent, okay? I take my pill everyday.”

Starscream shook the box. “You’ve thrown up two mornings in a row, and now you can’t eat. Take it.”

Wheeljack’s shoulders relaxed. He took the test and went to the washroom.

After the test was taken he placed it on the counter and opened the door.

“So?” Starscream said.

“It’s not done yet.”

Wheeljack picked up the test and stared at it for almost the entire three minutes.

A little blue plus popped up in the box.

Wheeljack looked at the little plus for a long time, the answer not fitting into his processor. He could only muster one word.

“Fuck.”

Starscream looked over his shoulder. “Hmm. No, maybe you shouldn’t have.”

Wheeljack punched Starscream in the arm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Allusions to a video that was shared without the subject's consent. 
> 
> (I know I said this fic was funny, and wouldn't be angst, AND IT IS I PROMISE But there's just a little bit of angst in this chapter which is mentioned and explained as the fic goes on, and it servers a certain purpose. But the fic is not angst as a whole, this is the angstiest chapter there is and it is extremely mild)

The first thing Wheeljack did was call the doctor. He dropped the test, got on his phone, and called Ratchet and begged him for an emergency home visit. Ratchet was non-too-happy, but agreed to a visit after some prodding. When he asked what the problem was, Wheeljack hung up.

After that he dropped the phone where he stood and started to grip his head. “Oh my god, oh my god,” he said, bowing forward. He threw his head back. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god.”

Starscream came towards him. He grabbed him gently by the wrists and led him to the couch to sit down.

“Try to calm down.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to calm down!”

Starscream’s brow jumped. “Well definitely not like that.”

“I can’t have a baby.” Wheeljack buried his face in his hands. “Oh my god, oh my god.”

“You could get it terminated-”

Wheeljack’s head snapped up, his hands flying to his chest. “No,” he said quickly. His shoulders relaxed. “No, I- I want kids. I do. I really do. But- I-” his mouth moved but no words came out.

Starscream leaned forward to get a better look at his face. “What?”

“What if Ironhide doesn’t want it?”

“Then he can fuck off.”

Wheeljack keened.

Starscream flicked his hand. “Who cares if Ironhide is here or not. You have a really good job, a nice home, and me. You’ll always have me.”

Wheeljack retracted his mask and leaned his head all the way. He groaned. “You.”

Starscream’s wings went down. “Yes,” he said slowly.

Wheeljack shoved himself to his feet and started pacing. “I can’t raise a baby in this house.”

“Why not?”

Wheeljack stopped mid-step. “You literally have a hundred dildos. I can’t let a child grow up with a hundred dildos.”

“What do you think I’m going to do? Show them to him? Also it’s 154.”

“154. 154 dildos! Who needs 154 dildos, isn’t one enough!”

“This is why your sex life is boring.”

“My sex life is clearly very effective!”

Starscream stood up. “The real problem is not my sex toy collection. The real problem is that we live in a two bedroom condo, and two is soon to be three.”

Wheeljack put his hand on his belly. “I really like this place.”

Someone knocked on the door. Starscream answered it. Ratchet gave him a nod as he came inside.

“Alright,” he groused. “What’s so important that I had to come over here right away?”

Wheeljack turned around. “I’m sparked.”

Ratchet paused. “Oh,” he frowned. “I guess that counts.”

“I just wanna make sure I’m actually sparked.”

“Alright, let’s go to the bedroom.”

Wheeljack’s hands fiddled as he led the way to his bedroom. Ratchet closed the doors behind them.

“Lay down. Try to relax.”

Wheeljack sat down on the bed, his hands gripped the sheets. He took a deep vent, let it out, then laid down on his back. Ratchet came over him, spark scanner in hand. “Open up.”

Wheeljack did as he was told, his entire body trembling.

Ratchet took the scan. “You can close up.” He checked the readings. “Definitely readings in line with being sparked. You can sit up.”

Wheeljack didn’t move for a moment. He scrubbed his hand down his face and forced his limp limbs to move.

Ratchet prepared a needle and a vial. “I’m going to take some blood. Just hold out your arm.”

Wheeljack did as he was told. Ratchet took him by the elbow, found a line under the plating in the upper arm, and took his sample. He took another device out of his medical bag and inserted the vile. “It will take a few minutes.” He put the test down and let out a long sigh. “Have you talked to Ironhide?”

“I just found out today.”

“So?”

“Starscream made me take the test.”

“He’s very perceptive.”

Wheeljack squeezed his knees together. “Do I have to tell him?”

Ratchet cocked a brow. “Do you have to tell the sire of your sparkling that he’s the sire of your sparkling?” He nodded. “Yes, you do.”

Wheeljack cringed. “But do I?”

“Yes, Wheeljack, you do.”

“How soon are we talkin’, like right away, or as soon as I can’t hide it anymore.”

Ratchet rolled his head. “Wheeljack,” he said sternly.

“I know,” Wheeljack buried his face in his hands. “I know I have to tell him. I just- I. How do you tell someone that?”

“Do you think he’ll be angry?”

“No- no. I- I don’t know. I think he’ll be surprised.”

“Oh, he’ll definitely be surprised.”

The machine beeped. Ratchet checked the results.

“Congratulations, Wheeljack, you’re going to have a sparkling.” Ratchet put the machine down. “I’ll refer you to a good doctor.”

Wheeljack sat there, silent. Frozen.

“I have to get a new place,” he muttered. “And go to a doctor. And get a crib. And go to those class things and I don’t know if Ironhide will go to those class things with me, would he go to those class things?”

Ratchet leaned down to get a better look at his friend’s face. “Are you going to be alright.”

“Starscream has to hide all of his shit, I’m gonna have to put a lock on his door. I mean, I’ve walked in on his doin’ himself I don’t need the baby walking in on him. Would Ironhide live with me? Would he? I thought my sex life was bad enough but now we’re gonna have a baby.” He buried his face in his hands.

Ratchet leaned back. “I’ll take that as a no.” He adjusted himself in his seat. “Wheeljack. Look at me.”

Wheeljack lifted his head.

“Do you want to keep it?”

Wheeljack nodded.

“Alright. Then I need you to understand that you are in a much better place than most people in your situation. You have a good job, a sturdy support system, and, honestly, Ironhide is not the worst person to accidentally have a sparkling with.”

“You think he’ll stick around.”

“Absolutely.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t think he’ll be mad?”

“I do not.”

“What if he’s mad?”

“Did you do this on purpose without his knowledge?”

“Fuck no.”

“Then he has no right to be mad.”

“I don’t know how it happened. I’m on the pill.”

“I know, I prescribe that pill.” Ratchet shrugged. “But it only has a 99% success rate. Are you usually on the receiving end of a spike?”

“Yeah,” Wheeljack said slowly.

“Does he wear a condom?”

Wheeljack looked off to the side, adjusting himself in his seat.

Ratchet gave him a curt nod. “Then that’s how it happened.”

Wheeljack groaned. “I knew we should’a used a condom.”

Ratchet rolled his eyes. “Let me guess, he told you it didn’t feel as good.”

Wheeljack shook his head. “No, he kept breakin’ ‘em. And I kept sayin’ we should buy bigger ones, and he kept sayin’ ‘yeah, let’s buy bigger ones.’ Then we never bought bigger ones.”

Ratchet furrowed his brow. “And your sex life is bad?”

“It’s boring, I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Ratchet stood up. “Do you need me for anything else?”

“No,” Wheeljack’s hands fiddled in his lap. “Thanks for coming.”

Ratchet leaned over, put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezed. “It’ll be alright, kid.”

Wheeljack flashed a smile. “Thanks.”

Ratchet showed himself out. As soon as he was gone Starscream snuck into the room and sat down beside Wheeljack on the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know.”

Starscream rubbed his back. “Do you need anything?”

Wheeljack felt his heart sink in his chest, his plating flexing and unflexing. “I’m tired.” He muttered, his voice cracking.

Starscream got up on his knees and pulled Wheeljack by the shoulders. “Then come on, let’s go to bed.”

“I’m sorry I kept you up.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

As Wheeljack laid down, Starscream got off the bed to turn off the light. He returned, laid down, and cuddled in close under the blanket.

“We should go house hunting,” Wheeljack whispered. “I think I want a house. With three bedrooms and a nice kitchen and a walk-in closet and locks on the doors so I can have sex in peace.”

“I thought we were supposed to be going to sleep.” Starscream whispered.

“I’m gonna keep muttering to myself. You go to sleep.”

“Everything will be fine, Jackie. You’ll see.” Starscream nestled in. “You’ll see.”

Wheeljack closed his eyes and tried to relax.

* * *

Starscream flipped through one of the ten magazines he’d picked up from the corner store. Wheeljack absently thumbed through one, but just as quickly put it down and went for another.

“You’re not even looking at them,” Starscream said, not looking up from his page.

“Why can’t we just look online?”

Starscream flipped to the next page. “I find there’s something so personal about flipping through a catalogue.”

“Is that where you buy all your stuff?”

“Unfortunately, no, they don’t make that type of catalogue.”

Wheeljack slapped the magazine into his lap. “I don’t even get why we’re doing this. He doesn’t even have a room yet. The first thing we should be doing is looking for a house.”

Starscream sighed, tossing his catalogue in the pile. “I want you to feel happy that you’re having a baby. Get excited to design his room and buy toys and look for a good school. Not stress about home buying.” Starscream’s expression dropped. “Also the first thing we should be doing is telling the sire he’s a sire. So there’s that.” He smiled, sitting up a little straighter and holding up the magazine. “And what better way to do that than stack ten magazines on the table and hope he notices them?”

Wheeljack slumped. “He keeps texting me.”

“Yeah, he’s your partner, they do that.”

Wheeljack sighed, tossing his magazine on the table. Starscream put all the magazines in a pile and placed them in the center of the table.

“Invite him over,” Starscream said.

Wheeljack shook his head. “No, I-”

Starscream whipped out his phone. “Fine, then I will.”

Wheeljack lurched forward and snatched the phone out of Starscream’s hand. “No, don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m gonna tell him when I’m ready.”

Starscream took his phone back. “When will that be? Nine months from now?”

“No.” Wheeljack pulled back, looking at anything but Starscream. “Four months from now when I can’t hide it anymore.”

“Just invite him over. It’s been almost a week since you last saw him.”

Wheeljack stared at his phone. “He’s been sending me sexy texts.”

Starscream scooted forward. “Oo, let me see.”

Wheeljack held his phone to his chest. “No, get yer own sexy texts.”

“I just want to see how good he is at it.”

Wheeljack stared at his screen. “He’s very...explicit.” He tucked the phone in his subspace. “Can we look at houses now?”

Starscream sat back. “I don’t see why we can’t just buy a place in this same building.”

“I want a big place, where we can all have our private space, and kiddo can run around, maybe have a playroom.”

Starscream furrowed his brow. “Buy the penthouse at the top of the building. I know you can afford it, I do your taxes.”

“I don’t want a penthouse, I want a house on the ground.”

“Why? Who wants to take off from the ground?”

“You’re the only one here with wings, majority rules.”

Starscream rolled his eyes. “Fine. You want to go house hunting? Let’s go house hunting.” He stood up, went to Wheeljack’s bedroom, and returned with his laptop. “What neighborhood do you want to live in?”

“A nice one.”

“Oh yeah, that really narrows it down.”

Wheeljack took the computer and put it on his own lap. “I know where I wanna live.”

Starscream scooted closer until their hips touched. “You know all the ground homes are outside the city.”

“I know that.”

“So why would you want to live outside the city?”

“Because I want a house on the ground.”

“But your commute will be so much longer.”

“We don’t have to live totally out of the city. We just won’t be as close to downtown.”

“What about my commute?”

“You fly.”

“So there’s no traffic in the air?”

“There are no good neighborhoods close to factories.”

Starscream shifted so he was looking at Wheeljack. “And what makes neighborhoods near factories not good? Almost all my co-workers live right near the factory so you watch your mouth.”

Wheeljack put his hands up in his desense. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to live near the factory.”

Starscream slumped back into the couch. “Fine. So where did you have in mind?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “Outer Iacon. I’m sure we can find a place that fits the both of us.”

“What about Ironhide?”

Wheeljack shrugged his ear to his shoulder. “Well, there’s no guarantee he’s going to live with us. So we’re just looking for us right now.”

Starscream sat up. “Wheeljack?”

“Hm?”

Starscream drew his lips between his teeth. He moved his hands around as he spoke, wings twitching. “Say Ironhide does want to have this baby. And he wants to raise it with you, and move in with you and…” he trailed off.

Wheeljack paused. He looked at him. “What?”

“What if he doesn’t want me to live with you both?” Starscream cringed at his own words.

Wheeljack didn’t say anything for a moment. He shook his head. “No. Of course you’ll live with us.”

“But what if he doesn’t want me to?”

“Then he can fuck off.”

“Wheeljack-” Starscream stood up and came around the table. “He’s your partner. The sire of your baby. I’m- what? How am I supposed to compete with that?”

Wheeljack closed the laptop. “You’re my best friend.”

“That doesn’t equate.”

“I don’t care.”

“It’s no secret that we don’t like eachother-”

“Stop, just stop.”

Starscream’s mouth snapped shut.

“You’re living with us. End of story. Quit throwin’ hypotheticals at me, aren’t I stressed enough?”

Starscream walked around the table and sat down on it. “I’m sorry. I just need to think about things like that. We’ve lived together for 995 years, it’s not like I have backup living arrangements.”

Wheeljack furrowed his brow. “Wouldn’t Skyfire let you live with him?”

Starscream rolled his eyes. “Yes. But I wouldn’t want to, he’s too sexually attracted to me.”

“But he’s respectful, and that matters.”

“That reminds me,” Starscream hooked his pedes on the edge of the couch. “I was thinking. I came up with something that might help you and Ironhide get in the mood, and help you have a more romantic evening.”

“Okay, let’s hear it.”

“A double date.”

Wheeljack looked off to the side. “Okay. How would that help?”

Starscream shrugged. “I pick the restaurant, the setting, and you do a few things to set the mood before we even get home. Then-” Starscream held up his pointer finger, a devious grin on his face and glint in his eye. “You get Ironhide worked up. But we extend the evening, come back here, have a chat, a few drinks, maybe play a game, and by the end of the night, Ironhide won’t want to keep his hands off you.”

“He already doesn’t want to keep his hands off me.”

Starscream wore a wide smile. “Yes, but this way, there’s some build up for you, so maybe you’ll actually enjoy it. The more charge you build up, the better release will be.”

Wheeljack put the laptop on the table. “I dunno. I’m notoriously bad at setting the mood.”

“That’s why I’m going to help you. Things you can say or do to build the mood. It’s more fun if you’re out because you know you can’t do anything.”

Wheeljack’s spark fluttered, imagining the charge he used to build by just having his aft grabbed and his neck kissed. “Okay. I’m game. Let’s give it a shot.”

“Great. Now call Ironhide.”

“What, like right now? What’s the rush?”

“You’re carrying.”

“We got nine months.”

“I already called Skyfire and asked him to go on a date with us.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I knew you would try to weasel your way out of seeing Ironhide for another three weeks, and breaking Skyfire’s heart by canceling our date is extremely low on the list of things you’d ever want to do.”

“You’re the worst.”

Starscream smiled. “You bet.” He stood up “Now call Ironhide."

* * *

Starscream slapped Wheeljack’s hands apart.

“Stop fiddling.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Just relax,” Starscream said out of the side of his mouth.

Ironhide wore a wide smile as he approached the restaurant. Skyfire had yet to show. Ironhide stared right at Wheeljack, his eyes sparkling, smile wide. As soon as they were together he wrapped his arms around Wheeljack’s middle and planted a kiss on the center of his mask.

“You look amazing.”

“I look the same,” Wheeljack said on instinct.

Starscream smacked him on the winglet.

“I-I mean,” Wheeljack stuttered. He lowered his voice. “Just wait till you see me later.”

Ironhide’s smile seemed to grow wider. “That a promise?”

Starscream cleared his throat, pulling the happy couple out of their stupor. Ironhide’s smile dropped the moment he looked at Starscream, who was seated comfortably on the edge of the garden plot on the front of the building.

“Scr-” Irohde cleared his throat. “Starscream.” He cocked a brow. “This a three wheel bike?”

Starscream stood up, his smile showing disingenuous teeth. “Ha,” he poked Ironhide in the chest. “You wish.”

Ironhide glanced at Wheeljack for answers.

“It’s a double date,” Wheeljack said. “I told you that on the phone.”

Ironhide furrowed his brow. “Right,” he said nodding slowly. The smile returned to his lip when he looked at Wheeljack. “Guess I was just so excited to see you, I forgot.”

Wheeljack smiled back. They shared another, soft, kiss, before Skyfire touched down on the landing pad a block away. Starscream waved to him from the restaurant door. Skyfire made haste, taking wide strides and waving back.

“Starscream,” he said, his smile soft.

“Skyfire.”

Skyfire took something out of his subspace. “I brought you something.”

“Oh, no, Skyfire, you didn’t have to.”

Skyfire produced a small square box, on the top of it, in gold letter, was the name of Starscream’s favorite sweet shop.

“I didn’t bring you anything.”

“It’s been a while since we hung out, I thought it would be nice.”

“Well, thank you,” Starscream tucked the box in his subspace. “I’ll eat them after dinner.”

The restaurant was nice, dimly lit, but not dark. Soft music played in the background, candles were on the table. The servers stood straight and wore smiles, and made drink recommendations. The style was small dishes, meant to be shared with the table.

Starscream stared at the menu and began to wonder why he’d chosen this place. He had been there before, but he couldn’t recall what it was, exactly, that told him this would be the right place to help Wheeljack and Ironhide set the mood.

Starscream sat across from Wheeljack, and watched him order a bottle of nice engex for the table. As soon as it arrived, everyone poured themselves a drink, including Wheeljack.

Before he could take a sip, though, something kicked him under the table, and stole the glass from his hand.

“Wheeljack,” Starscream said sweetly, pouring the high grade into his own glass. “Are we forgetting something?”

Wheeljack furrowed his brow, their dates staring at the interaction.

“Your...condition,” Starscream said.

“Condition?” Ironhide said.

Wheeljack’s finials blinked. “Oh,” he looked at Ironhide. “Uhh, I’ve been having a hard time keeping high-grade down. Just a temporary thing with my tanks, no big deal.”

“Aw, dang,” Ironhide cupped Wheeljack’s thigh under the table. “And here I thought we’d have a good time tonight.”

Wheeljack’s knee jerked when a warmth smacked him in the array. “Oh, there’s no stoppin’ that,” he said. He lowered his voice. “But let’s talk about that later.”

Ironhide chuckled. He gave the thigh one more squeeze before letting go.

Everyone ordered something, Starscream drank nearly half the high-grade himself, all while being glared at by Wheeljack.

As dinner wore on, conversation became easier. Skyfire briefly discussed his job at the academy, relaying stories of poor students and well written, but funny, assignments. He complained about the fact that no one knew how to send an email anymore. All the while, he spared fond glances to Starscream. Ironhide talked about a few trials he had been to, criminals, not the crime rate, because he never talked about the crime rate.

Wheeljack complained about the infrastructure of the city. Not that it was bad, but that the people who worked before him were clueless, or must have been, to let some of these things get to where they were.

“Honestly, I know we have money. I know we have money for this sort of shit, and I look around, they hand me somethin’ that should’a been replaced a hundred years ago, and expect me to fix, not only the thing that broke in the first place, but all the shit that broke as a result.”

Starscream chuckled. “But just think, you’d be out of the job if the people around you weren’t so incompetent.”

“What about you, Starscream?” Ironhide asked, leaning forward. “What’s going on in your life.”

Starscream twirled his hand. “Oh, same old, same old. Nothing exciting.”

“Really? I find that hard to believe. Find a mech to replace yer toys yet?”

Starscream’s wing twitched, the smile sticking to his face. “Ironhide, please tell me in detail, every single dirty thing you’re going to do to Wheeljack tonight.”

Wheeljack’s face went warm. “Starscream,” he groaned through his teeth, giving Starscream a pointed look.

Starscream shrugged. “What? I’m not allowed to ask stupid, inapropriate questions to get a rise out of someone. That seems hypocritical,” he took a sip of his drink.

Ironhide out his hand up, the smile not going away. “Alright, I’m sorry. I was just messin’ with ya.”

“You’re not sorry, but I don’t care.” He finished off his drink. “Are we almost ready to go?”

They returned to Wheeljack and Starscream’s place, where they continued to chat. Wheeljack kept saying subtle things, even occasionally whispering things in Ironhide’s ear, which always made his chest feel warm and a smile spread wide on his face.

Starscream proposed they play a game, a simple game that would potentially set the mood if played correctly.

“Inappropriate things allowed,” Starscream said, sitting on the couch. “Just don’t be mean.” He stretched out, leaning back against the arm of the couch and letting his legs sit crossed in Skyfire’s lap. It would have been better if Ironhide and Wheeljack could have the couch, but Skyfire didn’t fit in either of the chairs.

Starscream hummed, sipping at his drink. “I guess I’ll go first. Wheeljack,” he pointed at his friend. “Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

Starscream scoffed, letting his head fall back. “You always pick truth. Lame.”

“Whataya want from me.”

“I want you to pick dare so I can dare you to do something.”

“Truth.”

“Fine.” Starscream thought for a moment. “How long did you lust after Ironhide before you asked him out?”

Wheeljack answered easily. “Two months.”

Ironhide nearly choked on his drink. “Really?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Well shit. Shows how observant I am,” he chuckled at himself.

Starscream smirked. “Sure does.”

Wheeljack pointed to Ironhide. “Truth or dare.”

“Dare,” Ironhide said, his smirk becoming sinister.

“Alright, let me think.” he rubbed his chin. “Okay. I dare you to whisper what you’re gonna do to me tonight in my ear.”

Ironhide eagerly leaned forward. He spoke so no one else can hear.

Starscream grabbed one of the magazines off the table and chucked it at Wheeljack. “Lame. Dares are supposed to be for everyone to enjoy.”

Wheeljack shrugged, his voice quivering with his doorwings as Ironhide leaned away. “Sorry. This one’s mine.”

Ironhide chuckled. “Alright, my turn.” He pointed to Starscream.

“Dare,” Starscream said before even being asked.

“I dare you to show us the biggest dildo you have.”

Starscream barked into hysterical laughter. “Sure,” he said, nearly screeching the word. He put his glass on the table and stood up. “Get ready.”

He went to his room and returned with a large spike that was thicker than his neck and as long as his arm, which he placed proudly on the table.

Skyfire and Ironhide’s mouths fell open.

Wheeljack sipped his drink.

“I don’t believe for one second you use that,” Ironhide said after a moment.

Starscream scoffed. “Oh, goodness, no. No.” He picked it up and walked back towards his room. “This shit will screw up your insides. I just have it for moments like this.”

“The biggest one you use.”

“Sorry, one question per turn.”

Starscream returned his toy to his room and plopped back on the couch. “I guess it’s my turn again. Ironhide, I dare you to tell me what you said to Wheeljack.”

Ironhide flapped his hand. “No way.”

“You can whisper it if you want.”

“Nope. Not doin’ it.”

Starscream scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Fine. Spoilsport.”

Ironhide smiled. “Still my turn, though.”

“Yeah, do whatever you want.”

Ironhide looked between everyone. “Skyfire, you haven’t gotten a turn. Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Alright then. Tell us your most shameful secret.”

Skyfire’s entire face immediately went purple. His wings flicked on his back, he threw a glance to Starscream. “Uhh,” Skyfire stuttered. “Pass.”

“You can’t pass.”

Starscream sat up on his knees, “what do you mean he can’t pass? You just passed.”

“He hasn’t even had a single turn.” Ironhide argued.

Starscream and Ironhide went back and forth for about thirty seconds, before Skyfire blurted his answer.

“I’ve watched Starscream’s video a hundred and thirty seven times.”

The room froze.

“Oh, no,” Wheeljack muttered, sinking back into his seat.

Starscream stared at Skyfire, his eyes wide, wings as high as they could go. His face contorted into rage. He threw his drink in Skyfire’s face and threw the glass to the floor.

“Fuck you!” Starscream screamed, climbing off the couch. “Fuck you, you fucking liar! Fuck you!” He walked around the couch towards his room. “Don’t ever fucking speak to me again!” The door slammed so hard it rattled the house.

Skyfire’s shoulders and wings were slump. He stared at his drink still cupped in two hands. “I should go,” he said, putting his cup down and standing up. “Have a good rest of your evening.”

Skyfire showed himself out.

Silence fell over the living room.

Wheeljack took a deep vent and took a sip of his cube.

“Wow,” Ironhide said. “I-uh- wasn’t expecting that.”

“Yeah.”

“A hundred and thirty seven times, that’s almost impressive.”

“Ironhide.”

“Sorry, I know. Sensitive subject.”

Wheeljack sighed, putting down his empty glass. “Well,” he stood up. “I better go check on him.” He glanced at Ironhide. “I don’t know about you, but my mood’s kinda dead. You can still stay the night if ya want.”

“I’ll stay,” Ironhide leaned over and gave the edge of Wheeljack’s jaw a kiss. “Been a while since I just stayed over.” He stood up straight. “You go take care’a him, I’ll clean up here and meet you in the bedroom.”

“Thanks.”

Wheeljack made his way to Starscream’s door.

“Starscream,” he knock with one knuckle. “Can I come in?”

Something smacked against the otherside of the door.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes,” Wheeljack muttered to himself. He slipped inside and closed the door behind him.

Starscream was sitting on the bed, cross legged, facing the wall opposite the door. His wings were limp, his face buried in his hands.

“Hey,” Wheeljack said softly, climbing onto the bed. “How you feelin’?”

“I feel like shit,” Starscream spat, removing his face from his hands.

Wheeljack rubbed between his wings. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Shouldn’t you be having sex right now?”

Wheeljack shrugged. “The mood kinda- died.”

Starscream slapped his hands into his lap. “Great!” he said to the ceiling. “I spent three hours teaching you how to set the mood and it’s all gone to waste. Great! I love that!”

“It’s not your fault. There will be other opportunities. Not like I’m gonna forget everything right away.”

“I worry for you.”

“I think I’ll be fine.”

Starscream shifted so they were facing eachother. “I’m sorry I killed the mood.”

“It was really a group effort.”

Starscream’s fists clenched, his entire frame going stiff. “It just infuriates me.”

“I know it’s a sensitive subject for you.”

“I wouldn’t care as much if he’d just told me the truth in the first place, like everyone else! But noooo, he just had to put on the innocent act, be the best of all of them. Fucker.”

Wheeljack shifted in his seat. “You ever gonna talk to him again?”

“No.”

“Are you su-”

“Yes.”

“Starscream-”

“I’m not talking about it.” Starscream took a deep vent. “You should be with Ironhide. This night is about you two.” He poked Wheeljack in the belly. “And this important news.”

Wheeljack covered his belly to block the pokes. “Ya know, I almost forgot about this.”

Starscream shoved him by the shoulder. “Go be with your mech. I should go to bed.”

Wheeljack climbed off the berth. “Okay. You sure you’re alright?”

Starscream flapped his hand. “I’ll be fine. Now go. Maybe you can save the night yet.”

Wheeljack wished Starscream goodnight and went back to his room.

Ironhide was waiting, laying in the middle of the bed staring at something on his phone. As soon as Wheeljack walked in, Ironhide put his phone down and sat up.

“How’s he doin’?”

“He’ll be alright,” Wheeljack sat down on the edge of the bed. He closed his eyes, took a deep vent. “Ironhide,” he stood up and faced Ironhide. “I have to tell you something.”

Ironhide scooted to the edge of the bed, his eyes wide, fully trained on his partner. “What is it?”

“I-” Wheeljack’s voice trembled.

“Look at you, yer shakin’,” Ironhide put his hands out and took Wheeljack’s into his own. “Is somethin’ wrong? Are you upset because Starscream’s upset?”

Wheeljack shook his head. “No it’s not that.”

Ironhide scooted a little closer. “What’s wrong?”

“I-” the words caught in Wheeljack’s throat. No matter how hard he pushed, they didn’t want to come out. “I-” He closed his eyes tight.

“What?”

Wheeljack growled to himself. “Why is this so difficult!” His eyes popped open. “I’m sparked!”

No one said anything for a moment.

No one moved.

Ironhide furrowed his brow. “Yer sparked?”

Wheeljack nodded. “Yeah.”

Ironhide’s brow went deeper. “Are ya sure?”

Wheeljack’s mouth dropped open to say something, but instead he nodded.

Ironhide leaned back a little. “Oh,” he vented. “Alright then.”

“That’s it? That’s all ya got?”

“What am I supposed to say?”

Wheeljack took in a long vent. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

No one said anything for a minute.

“What- uh-” Wheeljack started, shifting from pede to pede. “Whataya thinkin’?”

Ironhide nodded, staring at a random spot in the room. “I’m thinkin’ that we really shoulda bought condoms.”


	3. Chapter 3

Ironhide had been visiting more often, and staying longer. He didn’t always announce himself, in fact, only succeeded in doing so less than 50% of the time. Wheeljack mostly worked from home, so this wasn’t necessarily an issue. Even if Wheeljack had to get work done, Ironhide didn’t bother him, they just existed in the space together. More often than not, he ended up staying the night.

A few weeks after the happy news, Starscream took a week off from work to help Wheeljack look for houses, go to the doctor, and overall get his life in order. Unfortunately, that same week Wheeljack was called into the Spire for a few hours a day to give presentations on his work. Which left Starscream alone to clean, organize their documents, and save any nice houses in their favorites online.

One day, while Starscream sat on the couch looking at houses, there came a knock on the door. When he opened it, he found Ironhide on the other side.

“He’s not here,” Starscream moved to swing the door closed.

Ironhide caught the door with his hand. “I ain’t here for him.”

Starscream dislodged the thick fingers from the edge of the door and used his whole body to push it shut. Ironhide knocked again.

“Starscream! I wanna talk to you!”

“Too bad,” Starscream sing-songed.

“I ain’t leavin’ till you talk to me!”

Starscream didn’t respond. He went to his room, closed the door, and finished cleaning. Only a few minutes later Ironhide started banging on the front door again.

Starscream threw his head back. “Ugh,” he threw whatever he was holding on the floor and stormed back to the front of the house.

“You got a package,” Ironhide said.

Starscream pressed his ear to the door. “So?”

“Says it’s from Big Jizzer."

Starscream’s wings fluttered. He gasped despite himself. “I’m going to open the door and get that package, and you are going to stay put.”

“No way, I got it in my hands, and you ain’t gettin’ it till you let me in.”

“I’ve been waiting a month for that thing!”

“Looks like yer gonna have to wait longer.”

Starscream crossed his arms. “Fine. I’ll just wait until Jackie gets home.”

Ironhide was silent for a moment.

“I’ll open it.”

“Don’t you dare!” Starscream flung the door open and grabbed the package out of Ironhide’s hands. Ironhide took this opportunity to invite himself in.

Starscream closed the door. He gripped the box in both hands. “What do you want,” he spat.

“I came here to ask for yer help.”

Starscream scoffed. “Yeah right.” He strode towards his bedroom. “You can stay here until Wheeljack arrives. I’ll be in my room.”

Ironhide made chase. He grabbed Starscream by the shoulder, but was quickly slapped off.

“Don’t touch me.”

Ironhide scowled. “I’m tryin ta be civil.”

“Oh, sure, civil. Banging on my door demanding I let you in, keeping my mail hostage, grabbing me, that’s civil.”

“You won’t listen to me.”

“Oh, that’s a good joke.” Starscream slipped into his room and closed the door.

Ironhide followed, with no regard for the closed door. Starscream whipped around.

“Starsc-”

Starscream held his hand up. “Stop. Just. Stop. You don’t come into my room. You don’t open my door before knocking. You don’t try to force me to talk to you! Now get out!”

“I came here to ask you fer yer help, and this is what ya do to me?”

Starscream crossed his arms, fixing his expression. “We asked you to tell Cliffjumper to take down the video before it spread, and what did you do to me?”

Ironhide slumped. “Oh, come on-”

“No, you come on.” Starscream paused, adjusting his tone. “You can stay until Wheeljack gets home, but leave me alone.”

“I don’t need Wheeljack for this. I need you.”

“Oh for primus sake, what is so important-!”

“I need help with Wheeljack!”

Starscream paused. He furrowed his brow. “What?”

“I came here while he was at work so we could talk privately.”

Starscream narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

"I'm trying to make what I'm gonna do a bit of a surprise."

"What are you trying to do?"

"Can we sit and talk like civil folk?"

"No."

Ironhide huffed. "Do you always have to be so stubborn? Don't you get tired of it."

"I'm only stubborn with people who treat me poorly. So no. I won't ever get tired of it."

"I have not been treating you poorly."

Starscream counted on his fingers. "Constantly making comments about the fact that I don't want to date or interface, saying that I can't get a date, but I could certainly find plenty of mechs to fuck me. Refusing to admit that Cliffjumper did anything wrong, and worse yet, laughing about it with him, calling me a 'hopeless shut in' with your Autobot friends, at the beginning of your relationship trying to convince Wheeljack to kick me out, drinking all my good high grade, having no regard for what I say, especially when I ask you to stop doing something. Note, just a few moments ago," he placed his hands on his hips. "Shall I continue?"

Ironhide frowned, but didn't respond.

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but I assume it has something to do with your failing sex life. Frankly, Ironhide, your relationship is in your hands. And if it fails, I'll be sad for Wheeljack, but it failing has nothing to do with me, and has no effect on me, so you're just going to have to figure it out yourself."

Ironhide's brow hardened. "That's kinda selfish, isn't it? Wheeljack loves me, and you won't help us keep it afloat? Especially now that he's carrying my baby."

"Oh, don't throw that card at me. This, all of this," he made big circles in the air with his hands. "Is none of my responsibility. If this relationship fails it's your fault."

"I don't want it to fail."

"Then work harder. And leave me alone." Starscream backed Ironhide behind the threshold and slammed the door.

Ironhide lingered.

"I'll get the video down."

He waited a few seconds.

The door swung open.

"Go on," Starscream said.

"I get that video taken down, from everywhere, and you help me give Wheeljack some better lovin'."

"How are you going to make that happen? Internet's a big place."

"I am the chief of police, we have a whole team of hackers and tech experts who can make sure no one ever sees it again."

Starscream hummed. "No dice."

"What? Isn’t that what you want?"

"Half the people have already made their own private copies, and Cliffjumper still has my original. No doubt once he finds out it's been taken down he'll put it right back up. So No. Dice."

"I'll get the original back."

Starscream thought it over. "Fine. I'll do it. As long as you get the video down and keep it down, and bring me my full copy, I'll help you."

Ironhide put out his hand. "Deal."

Starscream shook his hand. "I won't do anything until your half of the deal is done."

Ironhide stopped. “Now hold on, that could take over a month.”

“Fine. Then we’ll start small. Get me the original copy, and any other copies your little Autobot friends have.”

“Then you’ll help me?”

“That will buy you a few hours of my time. The whole deal will buy you as much as you want.”

“Fine.”

Starscream let go of his hand. “Good.” He pointed towards the front of the house. “Now get out.”

The front door opened and closed. “Starscream! I’m home!” Wheeljack called into the house. “I gotta tell you about this guy who was in the meeting with us, he was a total pri-” he paused when he turned the corner. “Oh. Ironhide. You’re here.”

Ironhide took a step away from Starscream. “Yeah. I thought I’d drop by.”

“Well, that’s nice,” Wheeljack retracted his mask and smiled. “You can stay fer dinner,” he stepped forward and accepted a brief kiss on the lips. “And the night.”

Ironhide chuckled. “That sounds great.”

Starscream walked right between them, fanning his wings out as he did. “I should start making dinner,” he said. “Now that I have to cook for three.”

“We could just have cubes,” Ironhide offered.

Starscream fluttered his wings, looking halfway over his shoulder. “What? You don’t trust my cooking?”

“I might.”

Starscream ignored him and made his way to the kitchen.

Wheeljack closed Starscream’s door and turned to Ironhide.

“What were you two doing?” Wheeljack asked, keeping his voice low. “I’ve never seen you that- close to each other before. Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. We were just chattin'."

Wheeljack furrowed his brow. "Chatting?"

“Yeah, we were talking.”

“Talking?”

“Yeah, we were talking.”

Wheeljack didn’t say anything for a minute.

His brow dipped further.

“Talking?”

Ironhide chuckled. “Yes,” he gave Wheeljack’s forehead a kiss. “We can be civil.”

“Can you?”

Ironhide made his way to the kitchen. Starscream was putting an apron on.

Wheeljack stayed in the threshold to the hallway. “Ironhide. Can I talk to you for a second?”

Ironhide turned right around. “A’course.”

Starscream yelled at them from the kitchen. “If you two have a quickie while I’m making you dinner, I’ll be angry.”

“Ain’t you always angry?” Ironhide muttered.

Wheeljack frowned, taking Ironhide’s hand. “Ironhide, come on.”

“I’m just sayin’.”

Wheeljack led them to his bedroom door but didn’t go inside. He kept his voice low, almost to a whisper. “Hey, I know you’ve been comin’ around a lot more lately since the...news.”

Ironhide smiled, nipping Wheeljack in the chin with his knuckle. “‘Course.”

“I appreciate that. I think it’s great, but, uh, Starscream has been really on edge lately. And I know you two don’t really get along, but I would really appreciate it if you could play nice. Ya know, not provoke him?”

Ironhide chuckled. “Provoke him? I am not the aggressor here.”

Wheeljack cringed. “But...you are. You just made a comment about his temper, and the other night at dinner, that thing, about getting a mech to replace the toys? That was really uncalled for. And it’s not playful banter, okay?” Wheeljack took one of Ironhide’s hands in both of his own and gave the back of it a kiss. “I love you. But I love Starscream too, so please. Just try to be nice.”

Ironhide sighed. “Alright,” he grumbled. “But I’m doin’ it fer you, not fer him.”

“I know,” Wheeljack smiled. He wrapped Ironhide in a hug. “And I appreciate it.”  
‘  
Ironhide hugged back, planting a kiss on the top of Wheeljack’s head. Ironhide started to rock them back and forth. “So, what have we got planned for tonight?”

Wheeljack giggled, struggling to catch his footing. “Quit it.”

Ironhide ducked down. “Yer cute when you do that.”

“Do what?”

“That. Giggle like that.” Ironhide kissed him on the jaw.

Wheeljack covered his laugh and tried to turn around. “Quit it.”

Ironhide held him around the waist and continued his assault on the back of Wheeljack’s neck and the crook of his shoulder.

“Okay, okay.” Wheeljack took a dept vent to try and stop the laughter. “We should get back to the kitchen.”

“Oh, alright,” Ironhide let go.

Starscream was humming, preparing something sizzling in a pan while water boiled in the pot on the next burner.

Ironhide and Wheeljack sat down at the island.

Starscream didn’t greet them.

“Sooo,” Wheeljack said, looking at Ironhide. “Starscream and I are gonna go look at a few new houses tomorrow. You wanna come?”

“Yer sellin’ the place?”

Wheeljack nodded. “Yeeeah, I don’t really wanna move.” He shrugged. “But two’s about to be three, so we gotta start lookin’ fer a bigger space.”

“And you been lookin’ at houses already?”

“A’course. Buying a house can be a whole big thing. Plus there’s the time it takes to move out, move in, set up the baby’s room-”

Ironhide nodded wide. “Right. Right. Where’s Starscream gonna go?”

Starscream paused for a split second. His wing twitched.

He didn’t say anything.

“Uhhhh, he’s-” Wheeljack moved his hands around. “When I said two became three, I meant...him and me. Would become three. Because I wasn’t sure if you’d wanna live in with us.”

“Wait hold on a second,” Ironhide looked between Wheeljack and Starscream. “I’m- you considered him before me? I’m the sire of that baby.”

Wheeljack put his hands up. “I know. I know that. But this was all before I even told you. I wasn’t even sure if you’d want him, or want to move in together, but I knew for sure Starscream would, so we started planning. Either way, we gotta move.”

“Why is ‘we’ always you and Starscream?”

Wheeljack frowned. “‘Cause he’s been here for almost a thousand years, Ironhide, he ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

Starscream’s wings sprung up. He whipped around. “Okay!” He said loudly, a wide smile on his face. “Before a completely unnecessary argument about whether friendship love is more important than romantic love, and whether or not one should be prioritized above the other,” he clapped his hands together. “Who’s ready for dinner? I made mini casseroles. They’re almost done.”

Just as soon as he said that, the timer beeped. He took the tray with the mini dishes and set it on the over. “We’ll just have to wait a minute, they’re too hot to eat right away.”

Ironhide huffed, throwing a glance at Wheeljack.

“I’m just disappointed you didn’t include me, the sire to our baby, in the house plans.”

Wheeljack took his hand. “But I did. Whether you accepted this sparkling or not, I had to move. And when looking at houses, I considered the both of us. Me and you. I just had to be prepared for the idea that you wouldn’t want to live there with us.”

“Is Starscream really gonna live with us?”

“I won’t move on it, ‘Hide, he’s my best friend.”

Starscream watched the exchange. His wings sank. He let out a small sigh. “It’s fine. We don’t have to live together, Wheeljack.”

Wheeljack shook his head. “No, Starscream-”

Starscream put his hand up. “It’s fine. Really, it’s not- well it’s a big deal to me. But you two deserve to have a space for your family, and the simple fact is,” he shrugged. “I’m not family.”

No one said anything for a moment.

“Bullshit.” Ironhide said.

Starscream’s wing twitched. He furrowed his brow. “What?”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. I seen you pull this mech out of the thick, lived with him for nearly a thousand years, hell you two bought this condo together, with both’a yer money. And I bet you were planning to put in fer the house too. You ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

Starscream’s wing twitched. “Really? Are you being serious?”

“I sure am.”

Starscream’s smile returned. “Heh. Wow. Uh- thank you. Ironhide. I-” he shook his head. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

Wheeljack narrowed his eyes, tracing Starscream's expression.

Starscream’s wing twitched once.

The smile stayed on.

“It should be cool enough now.”

Starscream handed out the casseroles and forks. Wheeljack tapped his fork against the edge of the dish and watched Starscream for a moment.

There was a gentle rattle in one of his wings. The smile on his lip was thin, and did not meet his eyes. He ate slowly, his talons tapping on the counter every once in a while. His hand flexed and unflexed around his fork.

Ironhide hummed. “Holy-” his eyes flickered. “Damn. I ain’t ever tasted anything so good.”

Starscream’s smile jumped. He absently stirred the food in his dish and glanced at Ironhide. “And here you said you didn’t trust it.”

“Starscream, you can stay with us long as you want if you keep cookin’ like this.”

Starscream’s smile dropped. He tucked his head between his shoulders and hid his expression by throwing a glare at the wall. After a moment he dropped his fork in his dish and stood up. “I’m not hungry all of a sudden.” He left his dish where it was. “I’m going to bed.”

Ironhide chuckled to himself. “Have a good time.”

Starscream nearly stopped short, both of his wings rattling.

Wheeljack watched him go.

“Kinda rude he left you with clean-up duty.” Ironhide said.

“He cooks, I clean up. That’s how it’s always worked.

“Guess I shoulda known that.”

Wheeljack finished off his food, he wrapped up Starscream’s half eaten portion and put it in the fridge.

“Help me with these dishes,” Wheeljack said.

Wheeljack washed, Ironhide dried. Wheeljack put everything away and led them to the couch.

“You wanna watch a movie or somethin’?”

Ironhide hummed, slipping his arm around Wheeljack’s waist and going for his jaw. “I know somethin’ I’d wanna watch.”

“Is it me, writhing under you?”

Ironhide chuckled. “Maaaybe.”

Wheeljack put his hand on Ironhide’s chest and moved away. “Ya know, ‘Hide, I- I’m not really in the mood tonight.”

Ironhide gave one last kiss before retreating. “Alright,” He leaned back. “Let’s watch somethin’.”

“Okay,” Wheeljack handed him the remote. “You pick a movie, I gotta go do something real quick.”

Ironhide strained his neck to watch him go into the hallway.

Wheeljack knocked once on Starscream’s door. Something hit the otherside. Wheeljack went in. Starscream was laying under the blanket, his arms wrapped around a spike shaped pillow, his cheek squished against it.

“What’s wrong?” Wheeljack asked, holding the doorknob behind his back.

“Ironhide was spewing shit,” Starscream muttered.

“When?”

“When he said he was okay with me living with you. His whole speech.” Starscream shifted, pressing his lips into his pillow. “He only said what he knew you wanted to hear.”

Wheeljack mosied forward. “Well-” he shrugged. “He still said it. Even if it was a lie, he can’t take it back now.” He sat down on the edge of the bed. “So how about that?”

“If we move in together he’s going to have to understand I’m not yours and his personal fucking maid.”

“Oh, he’ll figure that out real quick.” Wheeljack put his hand on Starscream’s knee and gave it a little shake. “Hey. I really appreciate this, ya know that?”

“Appreciate what?”

“Putting up with him. I know you don’t get along, you don’t like him. But you don’t make a deal outta that, and I appreciate it.”

Starscream let out a long sigh. He sat up. “I try not to. Sometimes he makes it hard.”

“I know. I asked him to work on that.”

Starscream cocked a brow.

“More.” Wheeljack elaborated. “Work on it more.”

“Well,” Starscream laid back down. “I appreciate that.”

Wheeljack lingered. “Are you okay?” He asked softly.

“What do you mean?”

“In general. Not right this moment.”

“I’ve been better. Having Ironhide around this much has been-” he flicked his hand up in the air. “Stressful. But I’ve been trying to talk about it with Markershot, and I think I’ll be fine in the long run. Just a lot more stress than I’ve been under in a long time.” Starscream waved his hand. “You’d better get back out there. I am actually trying to sleep, I have work in three hours.”

“I thought you took the week off.”

“I did, but I need to go in tonight.”

“Alright, well. I’ll see ya later then.”

Wheeljack gave Starscream’s knee one last squeeze before standing up and heading out. Ironhide was still on the couch, a movie paused on the vid-screen.

“Why’s he upset this time?” Ironhide asked.

Wheeljack paused, standing behind the couch. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

He shook his head. “Nothin’,” he came around and sat down. “Just got hit with a bad feeling is all. It happens sometimes.”

Ironhide wrapped his arms around him. “Probably more now that I’m around all the time, huh?”

“Yeah, that could have something to do with it.”

Wheeljack took the remote and pressed play on the movie. As soon as it started, he pressed pause. “Do you want some popcorn?”

“You two got a lotta weird food in this house.”

Wheeljack shrugged. “We like ta get with the times,” he stood up. “I’m gonna make popcorn. Don’t start without me.”

Wheeljack made a bag of microwave popcorn. Despite calling the popcorn weird, as soon as it was available, Ironhide was keen to eat nearly half the bag himself. Less than halfway through the movie and they were already out of popcorn.

“Weird,” Wheejack muttered, tossing the empty bag on the table. “Weird, he says. Eats half the bag.”

“Sh. I’m tryin’a pay attention.”

Wheeljack poked Ironhide in the gut. “Uh-huh.”

As the movie ended, Starscream emerged from his room. He was sniffling, wiping his eyes, he coughed into his fist as he crossed from the hallway into the kitchen. He spared a quick glance and a halfhearted wave to the living room. In the kitchen he took the rest of his dinner out of the fridge, sat at the counter, and ate the casserole cold.

As the credits rolled, Ironhide leaned over to get a good look at him. “Work?” He asked.

Starscream didn’t look, he just nodded.

Ironhide leaned back, shaking his head. “Don’t know how you do it. I could never work the overnight shift.”

Starscream shrugged. When he finished the casserole, he washed the dish and got himself a cube. He meandered into the living room, rubbing one eye with the tips of his fingers. “I’m working late today. They asked me to work two extra hours before my transition.”

“Transition?”

“Yeah, I told you-” he took the cube in two big gulps. “I’m going to start working mornings so I can help with the baby during the day.”

“You sure you wanna do that? That’s gonna be hard.”

Starscream flapped his hand. “I’ll be fine. It’s a lot harder to go from day to night than night to day. That’s why I’m going in tonight, the rest of the week is being used as transition days, so I can get my sleep schedule in order.”

“Ya know, you don’t gotta do this now, we have nine months.”

“I know. But there’s also the move and the house hunting and the baby-stuff buying, so it’s better I start now.”

“Okay, well, have a nice night at work.”

“I’ll miss the night crew,” Starscream disposed of his empty cube. “They’re good people.”

“You sure this is what you want?”

“No. Actually I’m positive I don’t want it.” Starscream grabbed hold of the front door knob. “But, it’s what needs to be done.”

“Starsc-”

Starscream was out the door before Wheeljack could say anything more. Wheeljack huffed.

Ironhide turned the movie credits off. “You ready fer bed?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Before Wheeljack could stand, he found himself swept off his feet. He grabbed hold of the strong shoulders helping to haul him up. Ironhide gave him a cheeky grin.

Wheeljack pointed at him as they went to the bedroom. “Ya know, soon you won’t be able to do that.”

Ironhide only chuckled. “Why? Gainin’ a little weight?”

“Shush, you know what’s goin’ on in here.”

Ironhide laid him gently in the berth and climbed in beside him. Wheeljack wiggled on his back. Ironhide took a deep vent, his hand wandering down to Wheeljack’s belly.

“Pretty exciting,” Ironhide muttered into Wheeljack’s shoulder. “Who you think it’ll look more like?”

“Hmmm,” Wheeljack placed both his hands over Ironhide’s. “Dunno. I just hope he don’t got my ears.”

“Oh, hush,” Ironhide lifted his chin and brushed at the ears with his nose. “They’re cute. I hope he gets ‘em.”

“Quit kiddin’.”

“I’m serious.”

Wheeljack let out a long vent. “We should go to sleep.” He sighed. “We got a long day tomorrow.”

“How many houses we lookin’ at?”

“Hopefully three.” Wheeljack rolled into his side. “I’m hopin’ we find the perfect place after one.”

Ironhide settled in, wrapping his arm around Wheeljack and pulling him close. “We’ll see.”

Wheeljack went limp, closed his eyes, and tried to sleep.

* * *

**_BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG_ **

Wheeljack jolted awake, arms swinging.

“Get up!” Starscream tossed aside the metal spoon and pot. “We’re seeing the house in less than an hour.”

Wheeljack groaned, letting his head fall back on the pillow. He rubbed his fingers into his aching eyes. “How come you didn’t get us up earlier.”

Starscream stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips. “I tried. More than once. You two sleep like dead rocks.” He marched out of the room. “And you both snore! Loudly!”

Ironhide mumbled something to himself as he climbed out of bed. “I’m gonna take a quick shower,” he grumbled. “You wanna join?”

“Yeah, you go on. I’ll be in in a second.”

Starscream returned to the room, two cubes in hand. He looked around. “Where’s Ironhide?”

Wheeljack looked at Starscream for the first time that morning. “Shower.”

Starscream scoffed. He handed both cubes to Wheeljack. “Give one of those to him.”

“Why are you wearing sunglasses?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Starscream turned on a heel and marched out of the room.

Wheeljack stood and joined Ironhide in the shower. Starscream waited for them by the front door. Wheeljack rushed out of the shower, Ironhide in tow, both still dripping wet.

“Are we ready?” Starscream asked.

“You got the list?” Wheeljack asked.

“I do.”

Ironhide looked between them. “What list.”

“Our wish-list,” Wheeljack said. “Don’t worry, I took your needs into consideration.”

“Like?”

“A room all to yerself, office space, shooting range, all that.”

“Oh.” Ironhide nodded. “Alright.”

“We should really get going.”

“Right, right, yeah.”

The first neighborhood they went to was twenty minutes away from their condo. Starscream stood at the end of the sidewalk and stared up at the house for a solid minute, before meeting the others inside with the realtor. They were led through the house.

“A new build, move-in ready. All hard floors, no organic materials.”

“What about the paint?” Wheeljack asked.

The realtor smiled. “No paint. And-” he walked over to a small button on the wall and pressed it. The wall changed from salmon pink to sky blue. “Nanite changing walls. No paint needed. If you get tired of the room color, there’s no mess.”

Wheeljack nodded. “Nice.”

The realtor took them into the next room. The house was complete with a playroom, spare room, one master bedroom with a master bath, and two regular bedrooms. There was an incomplete attic space, and a full, finished basement. The kitchen was on the smaller side, and did not have nearly enough counter space for Starscream’s liking.

“Is the kitchen really that important?” Ironhide asked as they walked out. “The rest’a the place was nearly perfect.”

“We want two master bedrooms,” Starscream said. “And locks on the doors, and if you want to eat anything I make ever again then you’ll agree to a big kitchen.”

Ironhide rolled his eyes, but didn’t comment further.

The next house was fifteen minutes away. This one was a bit larger, with much more yard space, two master bedrooms, one with a master bath, locks on the doors, a medium sized kitchen, but no finished basement. There were two spare rooms, two additional bedrooms, but the living room was relatively small for a house of this size.

By the end of the second house Wheeljack was ready to go home. Starscream’s wings were drooping. They stood together in front of the house for a while, collecting themselves before moving on.

“These places are big.” Starscream muttered. He took off his sunglasses and rubbed one eye with his fingertips.

Wheeljack’s eyes went wide. “Starscream, your eyes!”

Starscream paused. He took his hand away from his face. “Fuck.”

Wheeljack took a step forward, his head moved back and forth, studying Starscream’s eyes. “Jeez, look at that, they’re almost totally grey.”

Starscream threw his head back. “Ugh. I know,” his arms flapped and fell back to his sides. “I got home this morning, looked in the mirror and found this,” he pointed to his face. “It’s awful, I look like I’m fucking dead.” He put his sunglasses back on. “I’m going to go lingerie shopping later to make myself feel better. You can join me if you want.”

Ironhide leaned over and whispered. “You should join him.”

Wheeljack elbowed him in the gut. “One more house. We just have one more house to look at.”

“I liked this one,” Ironhide said. “Had a lotta room fer my guns.”

Both Starscream and Wheeljack threw him a look.

Ironhide looked between them. “What?”

Wheeljack shook his head. “Yer not keepin’ yer guns in the house.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, I dunno, because they’re guns? And we’re gonna have a baby?”

“So? Starscream’s got his whole collection of sex toys hangin’ out, why can’t I have my guns?”

Starscream furrowed his brow. “No one ever accidentally killed themselves with a dildo.”

Wheeljack pointed to him. “That’s not technically true, but-” he shrugged. “They just weren’t using the right thing.”

“Then no one’s accidentally killed themselves with a dildo, I’m still right.”

Ironhide scoffed. “As if our kid would be dumb enough to get into the guns.”

“Well, he is yours,” Starscream muttered.

“Are you calling my unborn child dumb?”

“No, I’m calling you dumb, pay attention.”

Wheeljak groaned. “Can we just move on already.”

The last house was ten minutes closer to their condo than the first one. This house was nothing spectacular, and checked almost none of their boxes. The tour was quick, and by the time it was over, Wheeljack was ready to go home and go to sleep.

“I am going to take a nap,” Wheeljack said, as soon as they got home. “You both do whatever you want.”

As soon as Wheeljack was tucked away, Ironhide turned his attention to Starscream.

“You need to give up yer wish-list.”

Starscream’s wing twitched, he pulled back. “What?”

“Yer wishlist. Havin’ all my, and his, and your needs are stressin’ him out.”

“What are you talking about? Wheeljack and I made that list together, every decision was made mutually.”

Ironhide’s jaw clenched. Starscream brushed past him.

“You know what, I’m too tired to deal with your bullshit today. Say whatever you want, I’m going to bed.”

“I thought you were goin’ out.”

Starscream didn’t respond. He went to his room and closed the door.

Ironhide lingered in the living room for a moment before heading out. He hopped on his comm and called Cliffjumper.

“Ey, Cliffjumper. You up fer a drink...Great. I’ll meet ya at Maccadams.”

* * *

“I need the video.”

Cliffjumper stopped where he was about to take a sip. He furrowed his brow and lowered his glass. “Video?”

“The one of Starscream.”

“Ah,” Cliffjumper nodded. “So that’s why you called me outta the blue. Well, tough luck. You can’t have it.”

“Cliff, I need it.”

“Why? The video’s all over the internet, just get it there.”

“No. I need the original copy. An’ all the copies you and all the other Autobots have.”

Cliffjumper narrowed his eyes. “Why.”

“‘Cause I need, ‘em, alright?”

“That’s not a good enough excuse.”

Ironhide huffed. “Alright, then, how about this. I wasn’t gonna pull this card ‘cause we’re friends, but you stole that video, which is illegal, and you illegally distributed private, sexual content, without consent. I can arrest you fer that.”

Cliffjumper scoffed. “Yeah right.”

Ironhide scowled. He took the cuffs out of his subspace. “Cliffjumper,” he spoke loudly, getting down from his stool. “You are under arrest for theft, and illegal distribution of private content.”

Ironhide grabbed Cliffjumper by the wrist and put him in cuffs.

Cliffjumper squirmed. “What the hell!”

Ironhide recited his rights and pulled him off the stool. Everyone in the bar was watching.

“Let go of me!” Cliffjumper yelled. “You can’t do this!”

“Actually, I can,” Ironhide shoved him outside. “You did somethin’ illigal, I’m a cop, I’m arresting you. That’s how this works.”

Cliffjumper whipped around. ‘Why do you care all of a sudden?” He spat.

“None’a yer business.”

“This have something to do with the sweet valve you’re fucking? Are you fucking Starscream now too-”

Ironhide punched him square in the jaw, sending him to the ground and leaving a dent in his face. “You talk about Wheeljack like that again, you’ll get a lot worse than that.”

Cliffjumper spat blood onto the sidewalk.

Ironhide squatted down. “I’ll let ya go if you get me every copy’a that video you have, delete it off yer computer, erase all yer porn accounts that got it on there, and get me every copy from every Autobot who has one. And if ya don’t, I’ll arrest you. Understand?”

Cliffjumper growled. “Fine,” he spat. “Let me up.”

Ironhide hauled him to his feet and took off the cuffs. They drove together to Cliffjumper’s apartment, where Ironhide watched him delete everything off his computer.

Cliffjumper handed over the original drive with the video on it.

“And this is the whole thing?” Ironhide asked.

“Yup.”

“And you only got one copy?”

“Only the one. I gave one to Mirage, Skyfire, The Twins, honestly half the Autobots. So good luck with that.”

“Humph.”

“Am I in the clear now?”

“Not quite,” Ironhide moved Cliffjumper aside and went to the computer. He typed in a few commands, and made the computer do a full cleanse. Every file, drive, memory, was deleted, sent into the unattainable void. Cliffjumper lurched forward.

“What the fuck are you doing!” He tried to stop the cleanse, but it was too late.

“Just coverin’ all my bases,” Ironhide said. “Have a good rest’a yer day, Cliff.”

Ironhide left.

He spent the rest of the afternoon and evening going to, or calling, every Autobot he knew, and telling them to hand over their copy of the video. Most of them handed them over willingly. No one was very happy when they had to delete it off their computers. The only one who didn’t protest at all was Skyfire, who handed over, not only his drive, but the entire computer he’d used to watch it on.

Only about fifteen Autobots had a copy, and they all lived in the city, so getting it was easy enough. Half of them hadn’t even watched it, the same half who scolded Ironhide for not doing something about this sooner.

Ratchet was the most upset.

“I was going to throw it away,” he said, handing over his copy. “But then I thought it could be used as evidence, should Cliffjumper ever get arrested.”

“I got it all taken care of, doc, no need to worry about this anymore.”

“Why? Why do you care all of a sudden?”

“Personal reasons.”

Ratchet humphed. “Trying to get on Starscream’s good side?”

“Something like that.”

“So. What do you think about Wheeljack?”

“And the baby?” Ironhide smiled. “I’m ecstatic, honestly. Kinda weird, unexpected, but I’m happy.”

“I’m happy for you. To an extent.”

Ironhide’s expression dropped. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means Wheeljack has had to put up with a lot of your bullshit, but I expect you to be better Sire than you are friend to a partner’s friend.”

Ironhide frowned. “I got no obligation to Screamer.”

“No, but you did have a lot of obligation as the chief of police to not let Cliffjumper’s crime slide. But you did anyway.”

“Now hold on a minute-”

“You’re trying to do the right thing?” Ratchet cocked a brow.

Ironhide backed down. He narrowed his eyes. “Yes,” he said slowly.

“Then I have a suggestion. See if you can get in touch with Soundwave. If you’re serious about trying to be better. Trying to fix this.”

Ironhide didn’t say anything for a moment. He wagged the drive as he stepped away. “Thanks doc.”

“And good luck. With everything. I hope it all works out. You’re a lucky mech, Ironhide, I wish your baby good health.”

Ironhide cracked a soft smile. “Thanks doc.”

Ratchet gave him a curt nod before closing the door.

Ironhide turned to the street, but didn’t go anywhere. He stared at the drive in his hand, and thought about the doctor’s advice.


	4. Chapter 4

Starscream woke up slowly. He took in a deep vent, stretching out on the berth until his back cracked and his wings rattled. He went limp, rubbing the balls of his hand into one of the many pillows beneath him. The blanket was only pulled up to his waist, kicked off during the night. One hand laid limp above his head, the other slid between his spread legs.

After two overloads, he rested, his hand staying where it lay. On the bedside table his phone vibrated. Starscream groaned, cracking one eye open to find his phone. There was a text from Wheeljack.

_Gonna be gone till tomorrow morning. Meeting in Kalis. Enjoy yer time alone_

Starscream dropped his phone on the bed and closed his eyes. Rarely did he have the whole house to himself for an entire day. A smirk slipped onto his lip, he writhed beneath himself, the hand between his legs eagerly moving again.

Two overloads later, and he was ready to get up. He sat on the edge of the bed, stretched again, then made his way to the washroom where he finished his morning routine with general hygiene and a shower. After that, he returned to the bedroom, slipped on his favorite set of lingerie, grabbed the portable speaker from the vanity, and went out to the kitchen. He hummed and sang along to the loud music as he pulled a pan from the cupboard.

“Starscream!”

Starscream screeched, he whipped around, and smacked someone with the pan.

Ironhide nearly spun all the way around.

“Ironhide!” Starscream scurried to the speaker and turned the music off. “What are you doing!?”

Ironhide rubbed his cheek. “Damn.”

“What-” Starscream’s wings sprung up, he put the pan down to cover his lacy panties before dropping the pan and going for the apron hanging on the cupboard. “What are you doing here?” He spat. “How did you even get in.”

Ironhide held up his key, still rubbing his face. “Wheeljack gave me a key. God damn,” he bowed forward and stood back up. “You hit me really fucking hard. Shit.”

Starscream picked up the pan he had dropped. “You shouldn’t have snuck up on me like that.”

Ironhide removed his hand from his face. “Look at this, I think I got a dent. I got a dent in my cheek?”

Starscream flapped his hand. “Oh, I don’t care about your stupid face. What are you doing here?”

“I came ta give you this,” Ironhide handed over the red, spike shaped drive.

Starscream’s wings sprung up, his eyes going wide. He snatched the drive out of Ironhide’s hand and turned around. He turned the drive over and over in his palm. “You actually got it.”

“Yeah, and now you’ll help me, right?”

Starscream whipped around, gripping the drive in his fist. “Where are the rest?”

Ironhide took the pile of drives out of his subspace and placed them on the island “Now will ya-”

Starscream smacked the pile of drives with the pan as hard as he could. He hit, and hit, and hit, until the counter cracked and the drives were nothing but crushed, broken pieces of plastic. When the deed was done, his vents were heavy, his shoulders heaving up and down. On his back, his wings twitched.

“Uhhhh,” Ironhide looked between the pile and Starscream. “Alright then.”

Starscream took a deep vent as he stood up straight. “Okay.” He placed the pan on the stove, but did not relinquish his grip.“You have five hours of my time.”

“Bullshit, it took me all night ta get those. I had to arrest my friend!”

Starscream smacked the pan against the top of the stove, his wings flaring. “You should have arrested him in the first place!”

Ironhide pulled back. “Put the pan down, damn it!”

Starscream let go of the pan. “Fine. Six hours. But that’s all you get.”

“Come on, Screamer.”

“No. Take it or leave it.” Starscream pointed a sharp finger at Ironhide. “Remember that your half of the deal isn’t done yet.”

“I’m workin’ on it.”

“You’ll get the rest of my time when you succeed.”

Ironhide huffed. “Fine. I’ll work faster. But right now yer time is mine, and I’m gonna use it.”

“You don’t get to boss me around, Autob-” Starscream stopped himself. He cleared his throat. “Ironhide. You do not dictate when I do this. I dictate when I do this. And I am dictating that I will help you after I’ve eaten breakfast.”

“It’s my six hours.”

“No, it’s my six hours. The last person on the planet I want to spend any amount of time with is...well, actually, it’s a lot of people. But you’re definitely down there!”

“Fine. But I’m stayin’ here, and it ain’t gonna count towards my six hours!”

Starscream flapped his hands. “Fine fine fine, whatever. Here,” he took out his phone. “I will set a stopwatch on my phone and pause it when our time together is not part of the six hours. Sound fair?”

Ironhide crossed his arms. “How do I know you won’t steal a few seconds in private.”

“Because I don’t lie, steal, or cheat anymore. So you can trust me.”

“I dunno about that.”

“Fine,” Starscream put his phone away. “Then you do it. I really don’t care.” He brushed past Ironhide and began taking ingredients out of the fridge and cupboards. “You’re in the way.”

Ironhide went around the island and sat down. “What are ya makin’?”

“Nothing,” Starscream said, transferring something from a cutting board to a pan. “An omelette.”

“A what?”

“A human food thing.”

“A’course it is.”

Starscream turned around, knife in hand. “If you could, please, just- shut up. Just shut-up, please.”

“I’m tryin’a be civil.”

“Well, you’re bad at it.”

“I didn’t say anything! Primus, almighty, you are touchy.”

Starscream took a deep vent. “That was mean,” he said, struggling to keep the snap out of his tone. “I haven’t taken my medication yet today, and you scared me earlier and I’m still in my fucking-” he looked around for a place to put the knife. “Fucking-” he slapped the knife down on the counter. “Lingerie.”

“Oh.” Ironhide’s fingers tapped on the counter. “You can go change if ya want.”

“I need to take my medicine.” Starscream turned back around. “I need to take my medicine, I need to eat first.”

Ironhide didn’t say anything the rest of the time Starscream was cooking, eating, and didn’t make any comment until the pills were down.

“What do they do?” Ironhide asked, his tone level.

“What do what do?’’

“That medication.”

Starscream picked up the bottle and inspected it.“They’re for my mood. Anxiety, depression-” he put the bottle down. “Other things I’ve been diagnosed with.”

“And that little pill takes care’a all of it?”

“Sure does.”

“How?”

“You expect me to explain the science? I don’t fucking know. Firing certain shit and shit.”

Ironhide didn’t say anything more. He watched Starscream eat the rest of the omelette. As he was finishing up, he pointed at Ironhide with his fork.

“Do you want one?”

“Huh?”

“An omelette, do you want one.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sure, sure.”

Starscream stood up. “I’m making another. I’m fucking hungry after sleeping for a day and a half.”

“Yer eyes look better.”

Starscream turned halfway around. “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me ever.”

“Oh, come on, I’ve said nice things to ya.”

“Saying I can get a date and a fuck is not nice.”

Ironhide paused for a moment. “I’ve said other things to ya.”

Starscream rolled his eyes. He made up two omelettes, one for himself, one he slid across the table to Ironhide. They sat together, eating in silence, only occasionally glancing up from their plates. When breakfast was done, Starscream cleaned the dishes and put them away. Ironhide sat doing something on his phone.

“I’m going to change out of this,” Starscream said. “Then we can do whatever you want.”

Starscream went to his room and returned a moment later. He sat down across from Ironhide, pen and datapad in hand. “Alright.” He tapped his pen on the counter. “Start the clock. And tell me what exactly it is you want from me.”

Ironhide placed the timer between them. “I know you know how to make people feel good. That’s what I want.”

Starscream cocked a brow. “And that’s all you want? You want to know how to make him feel good sexually, I can do that. Easily,” he shrugged. “But that is not all you need.”

“Then tell me what I need. He talks to you about this stuff more than he talks to me.”

“See, here’s the thing, Ironhide, I could just straight up tell you what you need to hear. Hell, I could teach you how to do it. Your problem is that you think a one off thing is the solution. I’ll tell you to make a romantic gesture, you do, and then bang, issues fixed.” He shook his head. “But that’s not how it works.”

“Yer wasting time.”

Starsceam took a deep vent. “Okay,” he pressed the pause button on the stopwatch. “You’re not going to listen to me.”

Ironhide reached for him as he came around the island. “Now hold on, hold on. I’ll listen. I promise.”

Starscream returned to his seat. “Your promises mean nothing to me.” He pressed play on the stopwatch. “But we made a deal. Here’s the thing, Ironhide, I should not be doing this. These are things you should try to discuss with Wheeljack, but I already know that Wheeljack isn’t going to say shit and you’re as thick as a blast-proof wall. Also Wheeljack is clueless about what makes sex feel good and maintain passion, so I guess you two need me.”

“When will you actually start teaching me something.”

“I just taught you something. You’re having an issue with you sex life. I will help you, but you should also be talking to Wheeljack. Explore. Figure out what makes him feel good. Because I can tell you for sure he’s faked his last six overloads.”

Ironhide’s shoulders slumped. He looked off to one side. “Shit.”

“But I think I know exactly what the problem is.”

“Well, tell me.”

“You don’t actually know how to pleasure a person. Have passionate sex. You know how to have a quickie, a hook-up after a few drinks, and those are fine. But sometimes people want to be touched, and caressed, and held, and have a charge built up, and have it not just be about the fucking. I am going to teach you how to do that. On a base level, because everyone is different, and they don’t all enjoy the exact same thing.” Starscream pointed a sharp finger at him. “Now listen, I’m going to say a lot of shit about valves and spikes, and you’re not allowed to get squeamish. You asked me to do this.”

Ironhide put his hands up. “I’m good. I have mentally prepared myself fer you talkin’ about all that stuff.”

“Good.” Starscream smirked. “But today I’m just going to teach you one thing about how to improve your sex life at this point.”

“Oh, come on-”

“We’ll keep going, but it won’t be about sex.” Starscream held up one finger. “Go. Slower.”

Ironhide took a moment to process that. “Okay. You gonna elaborate?”

“Eventually. But right now, we’re going to get into romance.”

Ironhide scoffed. “I know how to be romantic.”

“You absolutely do not.”

“Come on.”

“In the nine months you’ve been dating, how many dates have you taken him on that weren’t just restaurant, go home, have sex?”

Ironhide’s lip twisted. “One.” He grumbled.

“Yes, exactly, one. How many times, on those, what? Let’s do the math-” Starscream counted on his fingers. “One date a week, almost ten months. In the 40 dates? How many times have you, I dunno-” he shrugged. “Picked him up a little something. A single flower. A tiny box of chocolates. An, I don’t know, a cool looking screw you found on the street. How many times have you brought him something like that.”

“Relationships should not be built on gifts, I know this one.”

“Oh, no, you're absolutely right. They should not be based on the fact that one partner showers the other with gifts and money. No, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s not about the gift giving, or the money you spent, it’s about the gesture. Getting someone a tiny something-” Starscream placed a small box on the table, on the top, in gold lettering, the name of Starscream’s favorite sweet shop. “To let them know that you pay attention.”

Silence settled between them.

“I had not seen Skyfire in, probably, eight months? I had talked to him on the phone a few times, but besides that, it had been a while. And it had been almost two years since I’d mentioned that this-” he pointed to the golden letters. “Was my favorite sweet shop in all of Iacon. He and I had never even gone there together.” Starscream shook his head. “Skyfire didn’t spend a lot of money to try and show that he loves me. He spent two dollars to show me that he paid attention. And that’s all he needed.”

Ironhide stared at the box. The gears turning in his mind.

“You don’t even need money to do that,” Starscream said. “He mentions a flower he really likes? Look for a place where it blooms and take him on a date there. A specific artist? Maybe the museum is having their work on display. Specific food? Cook it for him. Or try. Maybe you'll fail, but that’s not the point. The point is that you tried, and you listened when he was speaking.” Starscream counted on his fingers. “So the main points for today are. Pay attention. Try something new. Go slow. And-” he hit pause on the stopwatch. “We’re done for today.”

“Now wait, hold on a minute, that’s it? I’m expectin’ real stuff here.”

Starsceam pressed play on the stopwatch. “One more thing. You don’t have to do that for every date or event or anything. Just every once in a while. It’s a nice gesture.” He pressed pause again. “Okay, now I’m done.”

“That ain’t enough, that ain’t nearly enough!”

“Well, duh,” Starscream stood up. “The first lesson is just insurance. Once I see you’re actually listening to me and taking my advice, and not expecting to use it once and have it magically fix all of your issues, then I’ll tell you more. But for now, I’m done with you.”

“Oh, come on, Screamer, I put aside my whole day for this.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“Give me somethin’ else, I paid for this time.”

“Oh, sure, of course you did. It still exists and you can still use it, but like I said, it’s my time, not yours. So you don’t dictate anything.” Starscream turned around, placed his hands flat on the counter, and leaned over. “Also, you didn’t pay for this time. You did your job for it. It’s unfortunate that I had to sell my time to get you to do your job.”

“Ey, it ain’t my job to stop you from makin’ risque videos of yerself.”

“No, but it is your job to arrest the people who steal them.” Starscream’s wings fluttered. “Funny how that works.” He stood up straight, one wing twitching rhythmically on his back. “Okay, you want another lesson? I know another thing you need.”

“And what’s that?”

Starscream pressed play on the stopwatch. “How to respect me.”

Ironhide pressed pause. “Hell no. I don’t need no damn “lessons” in that. I ain’t a sparkling.”

Starscream cocked a brow. “Really? Because we are going to be living together for the foreseeable future, and lord knows I am just as keen to live with you as you are to live with me.” He placed his elbows on the table so he and Ironhide were almost at eye level with each other. “Here’s the thing. I find it extremely easy not to pick a fight with you. But you seem to find it extraordinarily difficult not to pick a fight with me.”

“I do not pick fights with you.”

Starscream stood up straight. “I can start listing things again, if you want. But we would be here all day.”

Ironhide huffed. “Wheeljack already told me to play nice. I don’t need you to do it too.”

Starscream’s talons tapped on the counter. His tongue moved around his mouth. “Alright,” he muttered. “I guess I’ll just have to suffer with you forever.” He started to walk around the counter, towards the hallway.

At the end of the counter, Starscream stopped.

“You know something,” he said, one wing twitching. “You know what really frustrates me, Ironhide. About this whole stupid thing.” He waited for an answer but got none. “You think I'm selfish because I didn't want to help you.” Starscream took a step forward. “Do you have any idea how selfish it was for you to offer to get the video taken down in exchange for my help? How fucking selfish that was? I begged you to do something about it, as the chief of police, as my best friend's boyfriend. And you did nothing. You've only chosen to do something about it now that doing something about it will serve you.” When he took in a vent it rattled with his wings. “That’s the amount of respect you have for me. I respected you enough to think you’d do your fucking job. And now you have none of my respect, and I still manage to treat you like a decent fucking person.”

Starscream turned on a heel and stormed out of the room. He did not slam his bedroom door.

Ironhide remained seated at the island.

He remained seated at the island for another hour, thoughts turning about his head. Words, Starscream’s voice. Ironhide frowned. He twisted on his stool, stood up, and shuffled into the hallway. For a while he just stood in front of the door, his jaw clenching and unclenching, tongue moving around his mouth.

He knocked with one knuckle.

There was no response-

Something hit the back of the door.

Ironhide hesitated, his hand shooting to the doorknob, but not grabbing it. Something hit the door again. Ironhide let himself in.

Starscream was sitting at the vanity beside the door, typing something on Wheeljack’s laptop.

“What do you want.” He asked, his eyes not moving away from the screen.

“Now listen, I’m not gonna say you’re right-”

“I am right.”

“I’m not gonna say you’re right, but, I do get what yer sayin’.”

Starscream hummed.

“Well?” Ironhide said.

“I’m thinking. Hmmm,” Starscream closed the laptop. “Okay. Good enough.”

“I’m okay with you, ya know, doin’ what you proposed.”

“I hoped you would be.” Starscream stood up. “Let’s start now.”

“What are we gonna do?”

Starscream spread his arms out. “Let’s start here.” He turned in a slow circle. “Take a good look. This is my room. It’s clean, occasionally, right now, for example. There are a thousand things to make fun of in here, so take a good look around.”

Ironhide looked from the vanity to the bed, to the open closet. “Screamer, you are really temptin’ me, here.”

“Take a whack at it.”

“Why the hell you need four spike pillows? Why the hell is everything in yer life shaped like a spike.”

“Oh, Ironhide, that’s unfair to my four pillows shaped like valves.”

“That too!”

Starscream shrugged. “I think they’re fun, and I like fake spikes and I love my valve.”

Ironhide cringed. “I did not need to know that.”

“Yeah, right, like it wasn’t obvious.”

Starscream mosied over to the berth and sat down. “I’m not averse to being made fun of, it’s fun when friends do it, but you and I are not friends. Friends know what they shouldn’t make fun of.”

“So what’s the point’a this. Lookin’ around, lookin’ for things to make fun of?”

Starscream shrugged. “Well, we’re in my space, with my things, and I think that’s something you’re going to have to get used to.”

“How many pillows do you need?”

Starscream laid down and spread his arms out. “More than I already have.” He patted the spot beside him on the bed. “Come on, sit.”

Ironhide turned halfway around. His feet shuffled on the floor. “What is this?”

Starscream shrugged. “We’re hanging out.” He sat up on his elbows. “This is how we build respect. We-” he spread his arms out, falling back on the bed. “Hang out.” He shook his head. “And it doesn’t even have to be part of your six hours.”

Ironhide shuffled to the berth and sat down. He was stiff, sitting straighter than he normally would. “This all we gonna do today?”

“Maybe. I was planning on doing something else today, but I don’t think you’d want to come with me for it.”

Ironhide started to relax. “What were you gonna do?”

“Lingerie shopping.”

“Oh. Yeah, no, I don’t want to do that with you.”

“Yeah, I know.” Starscream sat up. “I was also going to try a new recipe today, we could do that together.”

Ironhide stood up. “This is weird,” he said, heading for the door. “It feels weird hangin’ out without Wheeljack.”

Starscream shrugged. “Okay.” He stood up. “Then do whatever you want, I’m not forcing you to do anything.”

“I know ya ain’t, but I expected to come here, and use up my whole six hours in one go.”

Starscream cocked his brow. “Have you ever been to a six hour class? You’d be half asleep and brain dead an hour in.”

“Then I at least wanted more than ten minutes!”

Starscream threw his head back. “Ugh. You are insufferable. You can’t come into my house making demands, that’s not how this works. Can’t you just-” he made circles in the air with his hands. “Work with me. Things don’t always have to be done the way that you want to do them.”

“Can’t ya just do things normally?”

Starscream put his arms in the air. “What is normal!? What you dictate?” He poked Ironhide in the chest. “You know what my normal is? Three-hundred and twelve sex toys, and no one but myself. But that’s not normal to you, and it’s not normal to a shit ton of other people. So tell me. What is doing things “normally”?”

Ironhide twisted his lip. “The way I’d do it.”

Starscream cocked his head. “You didn’t ask me to help you so I could tell you how to do things your way.”

Ironhide huffed. “Fine. You got a point.”

Starscream leaned forward. “So,” his wings fluttered. “How about that recipe?”

* * *

Ironhide was a bad student. At least when it came to grocery shopping. Starscream dragged him to the grocery store, where he huffed and puffed the entire time, and put things in the cart that they didn’t need.

“No,” Starscream said, slapping the bag of candies out of Ironhide’s hand.

“You said we were makin’ a dessert. Don’t ya need candy fer a dessert?”

“No. Primus, have you ever been to a restaurant? No, we’re making creme brulee.”

“Cream’a what?”

“Creme brulee.”

“Then what’s fer dinner?”

“Not sure yet.” Starscream shrugged. ‘Whatever I feel like.” He let go of the cart and let it roll. “Take the cart. I’ll pick things off the shelves.”

Ironhide grabbed the cart. “I can push the cart with one hand.”

“You're barred from putting anything in the cart.”

“This how you shop with everyone?

“Oh, absolutely. I don’t even let Wheeljack go shopping with me anymore.”

“So I got a question, Screamer.”

“What’s that?”

“You an’ Wheeljack been livin’ together for a while-”

“A thousand years, yes, go on.”

“And I know you two bought the condo together. And you cook and he cleans up after that. But what other stuff you two got goin’ on? You go on friend dates or anythin’, I hear that’s a thing some bots do.”

Starscream’s wings fluttered, his hand going dramatically to his chest. “Oh, Ironhide, are you jealous?” He stepped right in front of the cart and grabbed it with his hands. “Worried I might steal your man right out from under you.”

“No,” Ironhide pulled the cart away, Starscream cackled. “I just know you two got yer whole dynamic an’ all, with the time and the cooking and cleaning and payin’ fer stuff, an’ I just gotta know how I fit into all’a that.”

“Well,” Starscream picked a box of something off the shelf. “I cook, he cleans up after that. He pays for groceries, I clean the house.” He shrugged. “I don’t know, we’re close, you know that. We go out and hang out like anyone.” He turned around and started walking backwards in front of the cart. “Sometimes when one of us can’t sleep or we’re stressed, we climb into bed together?” He shrugged. “But that’s just, like, a friend thing.”

Ironhide nodded. “Alright, so yer close.”

“Yes, we are the obvious thing you just said.”

“Ya know somethin’?”

“I do know many things, yes.”

Ironhide stopped. “You said you don’t pick fights. But that ain’t true.”

“Oh, really?” Starscream hooked his heels on the bottom of the cart and leaned over the basket. “Please, enlighten me.”

“Everytime I say anythin’, the simplest thing, you just gotta come at me with a comeback.”

Starscream climbed off the cart with a scoff. “That’s not picking a fight.” He turned forward and walked almost beside Ironhide.

“Oh, yeah? What is it then?”

“The same thing I do to literally everyone. I do that to Wheeljack, it’s just joking around.”

“Yeah, but I take it seriously. Ya know, half of what I say are jokes.”

“No, half of what you say is rude and mean.”

“How is it any different than what you do?”

“Because yours come out of nowhere! How would you feel if I had come up to you and been like, ‘hm, good job getting my friend sparked, knucklehead, maybe you should have worn a fucking condom.’ Would you have found that funny?”

“No, but that’s-”

“Different? It’s not. Because when you come up to me and say, ‘fuck a real mech yet?’ it’s not funny, even if you’re joking. There is a reason it’s not funny, just like there’s a reason joking about you accidentally sparking my friend is not funny.”

Ironhide nodded his head from one shoulder to the other. “Well, alright, fine. I guess I can see yer point.”

“Honestly, Ironhide, if you want to joke about how many sex toys I have, my pillows shaped like spikes, I don’t care about that. I care about the whole, ‘finding a real mech to fuck,’ thing. Everything else I can live with.”

“Well, that is good ta know, cause I got a lotta words about yer spike pillows.”

Starscream cackled. “They’re far from the most inappropriate thing I have in my arsenal.”

“You got ‘em right out in the open!”

“It's not like they’re in the living room.”

“Are almost done here?”

“Almost, I just need to get something for dinner.”

Starscream picked up a few extra ingredients, none of which Ironhide recognized. Everything had the word ‘Energon’ on it, which was followed by a human word Ironhide didn’t know the meaning of.

“So what are ya makin’?”

“Raviolis.”

“Ravolis.”

“Raviolis.”

“Raverolrly.”

“Okay, now you’re just doing it on purpose.”

“Why the hell they feel the need to write energon on everything, we know what it’s made out of.”

“More like infused. Material science has come a long way to give us food like this.”

Starscream paid for the groceries. Ironhide drove them home. As Starscream was putting the food away, he paused.

“Oh, right.” He put down the box he was holding. “Wheeljack’s not going to be home tonight.”

Ironhide shrugged, continuing to take things out of bags. “Guess it’s just you an’ me then.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Hey, Wheeljack’s got a big job. I am anticipating’ it’s you an’ I who’re gonna spend a lotta time together, takin’ care’a that baby when Wheeljack’s got meetings outta town.”

Starscream turned all the way around. “You’re being serious.”

“I am.”

“You’re not shitting me.”

“I am not.”

“Huh.” Starscream returned to putting the groceries away. “I mean,” he shrugged. “I assume you’re both going to take some times off when the little tyke arrives.”

“I’m sure we will.”

Starscream’s tongue moved around his mouth. “Are you- excited?”

“Little bit. Kinda scary, very unexpected. But, uh, ya know. I’m up for it.”

“Started thinking of names yet?”

“Too early fer that.”

“You say that now, but then, nine months later, a sparkling pops out and you and Wheeljack are sitting there, staring lovingly at your beautiful, perfect creation, and thinking. ‘Now what the hell are we going to name him.’ then you’ll think back to this conversation and say. ‘Starscream was right, that brilliant son of a glitch.”

Ironhide rolled his eyes, but he was chuckling. “Yeah, right. That’s what I’ll be thinkin’ the day my baby’s born.”

“You’ll see. I’ll be right.”

“Uh-huh.” Ironhide started leaving most of his groceries on the island. “So uh, what you need for these ravoli things?”

Starscream turned around. “Ravioli.”

“I thought we were gonna make ‘em.”

Starscream started putting away anything from Ironhide’s pile that he didn’t need. “Not a lot. We have to make the dough first. Then the filling, oh, we could make a nice sauce, I have a really good one in my book that would probably go perfectly with this.”

Starscream grabbed one of the many cook-books from the living room shelf, opened it up to a specific page, and laid a datapad upon it. His wings fluttered, a wide smile on his face.

“This is exciting. I hope I don’t fuck it up.”

Ironhide cocked his head. “Ya know what’s weird?”

“You?”

“You bein’ like this.”

Starscream furrowed his brow, the smile dropping off his face. “What?”

Ironhide shook his head. “I dunno. Seein’ you get giddy over a, what? A human food thing, and not, I dunno, crushing your enemies.”

Starscream nodded. “I see. Okay. You’re still expecting me to be some big, bad, Decepticon. I see how it is now. Not that I didn’t already know.”

“Hey, you still think’a me as the big bad Autobot. Nearly slipped earlier.”

“You still wear the badge, I gave mine up a long time ago.”

“Yeah, it’s easy when you used to follow someone like Megatr-”

Starscream slapped both hands over Ironhide’s mouth. “Don’t say his name,” Starscream squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his chin to his chest. “Don’t say his name, don’t say his name, don’t say his name.” He shook his head. “Don’t- don’t say his name. Name. Don’t say his name.”

Ironhide froze. His eyes trailed up Starscream’s trembling wings, a tremble that went all the way to Starscream’s hands. Ironhide lifted his hands, took Starscream by the wrist, and carefully removed the hands from his face.

“Don’t say it. We don’t- we don’t say that name in this house!”

“Alright.” Ironhide said softly, still feeling the tremble in Starscream’s wrists. “I get it. I won’t say his name. I won’t mention it again.”

Starscream pulled his wrists out of Ironhide’s grip and took a step back. “I need a moment.”

“Go on then.”

Starscream stepped out.

Iornhide turned his attention to the book on the counter.

* * *

Starscream returned from his room almost an hour later, wiping his eyes, and trying to settle his restless wings.

“I’m sorry, Ironhide,” he called as he turned the corner to go out of the hallway. “I didn’t mean to take that lo-” He stopped short in the threshold, the wings perking on his back, his eyes going wide, mouth falling agape. “Oh my god,” he muttered.

Ironhide turned around, an apron around his neck, but not tied around his waist. Light green flour was all over the counter, there were at least ten pieces of cookware, pots, pans, bowls, everything, all over the place. Ironhide was trying to stir something in a bowl.

Starscream’s feet brought him forward. “Did you try to-” he furrowed his brow. ”Cook? Something?” He placed his hand on the counter, picked up a pile of flour, and ran it through his fingers, adding to the mess on the floor.

“Well, ya know, I was, uh-” Ironhide looked at his mess. “Thinkin’. About one’a the things you said earlier. Ya know, with the cookin’ Wheeljack somethin’ he liked, I thought now might be the perfect opportunity to try out somethin’ I ain’t ever done before. So uh, yeah. Yeah.” He nodded. “All things considered, I do not think I did too bad.”

Starscream nodded. “Uh-huh.” He fixed his expression. “Okay,” he scanned the whole kitchen. “Did you actually make anything?”

Ironhide nodded. “Oh yeah. Yeah, I did. Dough’s, uh, whatever the word is, sittin’ right now.”

Starscream cocked his head. “All you made was the dough?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s- you-” Starscream pointed to the various pots and pans and other things. “You make the dough on the counter. You need, like, one bowl. Why are my cupboards empty?”

“Well, ya see, the book said things, and I didn’t quite get some of those things. ‘Cause I ain’t ever cooked before, so-”

“You couldn’t tell the difference between a pot or a bowl?”

“I’m gettin’ to that. Ya see, I dunno yer kitchen, and I spent a good long time lookin’ for the bowls and plastic wrap and all that, so I just decided to take most’a the stuff out, so I’d have it.”

Starscream’s wings went up and down. One twitched. The other twitched. His wide eyed expression remained the same. Eventually he nodded. “Okay. You-” made circles in the air with his palms. “Are cleaning this all up.”

“No I’m not, that ain’t how things work in this house.”

“What? Are you kidding me? No. Wheeljack doesn’t clean up my experiments or my fuck ups, he cleans up after dinner.”

“This is dinner.”

“Oh yeah?” He pointed to the bowl. “Is that your filling?”

“In fact, it is,” Ironhide said proudly.

“Ah, okay,” Starscream stuck a talon into the bowl and scooped out a little filling to taste. As soon as it hit his tongue he gagged. “Oh, dear Primus,” he wheezed. “What the fuck.”

“Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad,” Ironhide took a sample for himself. As soon as he tasted it he gagged so hard he nearly dropped the bowl. “Oh god, that’s awful. That’s bad,” he put the bowl down and went for the energon dispenser. Both he and Starscream chugged down a cube.

“What in the world was in that,” Starscream asked.

“Apparently, I got no idea.”

“Okay, let’s do this.” Starscream took the bowl off the counter and dumped the contents in the sink. “We’ll clean up together and start over.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

Starscream put all of the cookware away while Ironhide cleaned up the flour. When the dough came out of the fridge it was actually usable, much to Starscream’s surprise. When they started on the filling it didn’t take long to figure out what Ironhide had done wrong. Since he was unfamiliar with most of the herbs and spices and things, he looked up what they looked like online, but had neglected to read the labels properly in at least two cases.

Starscream taught Ironhide how to fill and fold the raviolis, and to his surprise, Ironhide actually paid attention. Starscream made the sauce, which came out a pleasant light purple color, that, aesthetically, did not pair well with the green raviolis. But this was not a house of presentation, it was a house of taste, and the taste was great.

Ironhide hummed around his first bite. “Damn, Screamer, you do know how to make somethin’ taste good.”

Starscream’s wings fluttered, a proud little smile on his face. “I know.”

“See, now this is unfair. You told me that if I try to make somethin’ fer Wheeljack and it come out bad, it’s worth the effort, but that doesn’t work here I don’t think.”

“Why not?”

“Because if I try to cook him somethin’ in a house where you also live, and it comes out terrible, he’s gonna be like. ‘Why the hell didn’t ya just get Starscream to do it?’ and I’m gonna have ta say. ‘I served you this terrible food because I love you,’ now how’s that gonna look?”

Starscream laughed. “Like you made an effort.”

Ironhide laughed with him. They finished up their meal, Starscream wrapped up the rest of the ravioli and put it in the fridge. It wasn’t very late, but Starscream was ready to head to his room for the night.

“I’m going to turn in,” he said.”You can stay as long as you want.” He started heading towards the hall.

“Ey, Screamer.”

“Hm?”

“Are you alright if I stay here tonight?”

“Uh,” Starscream shrugged. “Sure. Just don’t bother me, and keep the TV down if you could, I’m a light sleeper.”

“Can do.”

“Thanks.” Starscream took one step forward and stopped. He turned halfway around. “Ironhide.”

“Yeah?”

“Today was...not awful.”

“Oh. Uhhh. Yeah.”

“Right.” Starscream turned on a heel and started walking away. “Well, goodnight.”


End file.
